Welcome to the Stonecutters

Welcome to the Stonecutters
Event	Stonecutters 2014 Event
Released Date	June 3, 2014
Number of Quests	16

Welcome to the Stonecutters is a quest that unlocks when the player unlocks a new Stonecutter. Each stonecutter has a task. Note that there is no order to how this quest chain must be done.

Quests

Quest	Requirements	Time
Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 2	Make Number 2 Re-jig Waiting Lists	4h
Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 5	Make Number 908 Get Paddled	16h
Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 12	Make Number 12 Haze Initiate	4h
Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 14	Make Number 14 Do Stonecutters Publicity Piece	4h
Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 21	Make Number 21 Restock the Stonecutter Keggery	4h
Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 22	Make Number 22 Sneak in a Bylaw	4h
Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 36	Make Number 36 Promote Corn-sumerism	4h
Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 50	Make Number 50 Dispose of Parking Tickets	4h
Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 59	Make Number 59 Take Meeting Minutes	4h
Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 66	Make Number 66 Broadcast "Crackpot" Theories	4h
Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 67	Make Number 67 Redirect Traffic Flow	4h
Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 79	Make Number 79 Host Disco Night at the Lodge	4h
Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 85	Make Number 85 Fashion Robes into a Kilt	4h
Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 111	Make Number 111 Reminisce How Things Were Better	4h
Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 314	Make Number 314 Create a Doomsday Weapon	4h
Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 600	Make Number 600 Tamper with School Records	4h

Dialogue

Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 2

Character	Dialogue
	"Oh Number 2, masterminding evil plots has really taken its toll on me."
	"You just need a little perking up. I'll schedule a liver transplant for you."
	"Is my liver failing?!"
	"No, but it's nice to have new stuff."
	"Well, all right. But aren't there waiting lists for these sorts of things?"
	"Pshaw! You let me worry about that."

Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 5

Character	Dialogue
	"Well, Homer, looks like you saved the best for last!"
	"You better believe that's a paddlin'!"

Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 12

Character	Dialogue
	"Man, being in a secret cult is the best!"
	"It ain't gonna be secret much longer if you keep inviting people to join." "Do you really want all these idiots to get in?"
	"No! I hate them all. I don't want any of them to get in. It's just…"
	"I think I'm addicted to hazing."

Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 14

Character	Dialogue
	"Hey, Lenny, they want me to pose for the cover of the Stonecutter’s Annual Report!"
	"Do you think they asked you because they’re getting heat for not allowing women and they’re trying to seem more… inclusive?"
	"No! They chose me cause I’m photogenic." "Though they want me to pose in a wheelchair and wear a shirt that says, “Trans-gender”."
	"Work it, Girl!"
	"You know I will."

Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 21

Character	Dialogue
	"Ah, having a cocktail with the guys." "It's nice to not be the booze monkey who has to jump every time someone says, “I need another beer!”"
	"I need another beer!" "Moe, could you shamble down to the basement and fetch another keg?"
	"Why me? I outrank a lot of these guys!"
	"I know, but the kegs are large and must be carried on one's back. We need a man with a good hump between his shoulders."
	"Well, okay. I guess it's nice to be wanted for my body."

Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 22

Character	Dialogue
	"Hello Number 22, my dear friend! How are you enjoying your mayorship?"
	"I am loving it. Thank you. It was the most amazing Secret Santa gift anyone could hope for."
	"I'm just glad you like it. While I'm here, would it be possible to get some by-laws passed?"
	"Whatever you want. Just tell my girl."
	"Don't you want to look these over? Some of them are rather nefarious."
	"Then peddle it somewhere else because I have a responsibility to my constituents."
	"Good one, 22! Those improv classes are paying off."
	"Did I, er, say it right? Constituents? That's a word, isn't it?"

Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 36

Character	Dialogue
	"Number 36, I have a task of the utmost importance."
	"Lay it on me, I owe you guys for “taking care” of that little incident between Mr. Teeny and Barack Obama's dog."
	"Like every powerful secret society, The Stonecutters are highly dependent on a subsidy from the Corn lobby." "We need you to sell corn in your restaurants."
	"Dude, everything in my restaurant is made of corn and some kind of adhesive. The buns, the pickles, even the Laughy Meal toys."
	"Excellent. Now figure out a way to double that."

Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 50

Character	Dialogue
	"You asked to see me, O great 1?"
	"Ah yes, Number 50, I'm embarrassed to say I've had a few more parking tickets."
	"But how? You have the ultimate parking sticker. You can park anywhere. Even in your office building." "We had to change all kinds of building codes to let you drive through the lobby like that."
	"Yes, but although I'm usually allowed to park near hydrants, I cannot when firemen are actively fighting an apartment fire."
	"It looks like they cited you for “parking on top of their hoses.” And for your car being on fire. I'll take care of these right away." "And I'll make sure those firemen get only the worst fires from now on!"
	"You needn't bother."
	"But you know that thing where women think all firemen are sexy?"
	"Yeah."
	"Maybe not so much for those guys."
	"Got it."

Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 59

Character	Dialogue
	"Number 59, I notice that when the other members talk you seem to pay very close attention."
	"Not to every member, just the distinguished ones like Mr. Burns… and you."
	"Would you mind taking minutes during our next meeting?"
	"I'll hang on your every word."

Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 66

Start

Character	Dialogue
	"I bring grim tidings, Your 1-ness." "Lisa Simpson and her Anti-Stonecutter rallies have gotten a lot of people asking questions about this thing of ours." "I'm afraid the network is feeling pressured to take a closer look at The Stonecutters."
	"Looks like this town needs a little distraction. Perhaps a fear-inducing crackpot theory or three." "Think you can handle that?"
	"If I can't, then I don't deserve to call myself a small market local newscaster."

End

Character	Dialogue
	"Tonight: Is the moon slowly killing us?" "Also, does the color of your pants affect your ability to father a child?" "Later, we'll learn about pets who turn against their owners in the third part of our series: “Terror In The Hamster-ball”"

Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 67

Start

Character	Dialogue
	"Hello Number 67."
	"Gah! Every time I hear my name it reminds me that Brockman, that overpaid hairstyle, is one rank higher than me!"
	"You know, if you were able to, er uh, snarl traffic in the district of my political rival, I may be able to, er-uh, bump you up a few numbers."
	"If there's one thing I'm good at, it's ruining someone else's day. Traffic, get ready to stand still!"

End

Character	Dialogue
	"I did it! Now give me my new number!"
	"You idiot! You taunted Brockman the whole time. On the air! You used my name!" "Now I have to get an aide to change their name to Quimby so I can pin the rap on them." "I'm starting to think that punishing commuters for petty slights committed by their elected officials might not be, er ah, worth it."

Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 79

Character	Dialogue
	"Lodge Brothers from other Lodge Mothers. I've brought you the gift of disco." "Dance floor, strobe, and DJ – everything to make this a Boogie Night."
	"But we're all dudes. Who are we going to dance with?"
	"Turn the lights down as low as they go and you can't see that you're dancing alone!" "That's what Disco Stu does every night." "Every. Single. Night."
	"Disco Stu just realized he has crippling depression."

Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 85

Character	Dialogue
	"Ach! It's great being a Stonecutter, but I hate having to wear this silly robe." "How kin ye feel like a man when ye're wearing a floor-length gown?" "Ah bet with a few alterations Willie could turn this girly dress into a manly skirt!"

Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 111

Character	Dialogue
	"Where am I? Why am I wearing this robe? Who put this chicken wing in my hand?"
	"You are a Stonecutter, this an event planning meeting and you were giving the “ice” report." "Good. Thank you, Number 111."
	"You know, in my day we didn't need ice! Room temperature – that was the latest craze!"
	"Oh, dear God…"
	"Back then, we worked hard to out-racist each other and developed new and exciting ways to explain away science…"
	"We must review our retirement/euthanasia policy."

Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 314

Start

Character	Dialogue
	"Number 314, I need you to build a “doomsday” weapon." "We're the only secret organization without one and it's getting embarrassing."
	"Certainly. There are basically two ways we could go…" "There is implosion, with the sucking and whooshing and everyone crowded into a teeny-tiny speck…" "Or there is explosion with the booms and the flashes and everything gets waaaay more spread out… very roomy…"
	"I leave the choice to you. Have fun with it!"

End

Character	Dialogue
	"Good glay-vin! I've done it! I've built a device which will alter the universe as we know it!"
	"How does it work?"
	"It's a “What if?” device. I simply set it to: “What if the big bang missed?” and everything changes." "Until we use it we won't know exactly what happens." "We could be erased from existence or we could look the same but with noses right next to our butts. Which would be… bad, too. Ahoyvin."

Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 600

Start

Character	Dialogue
	"Skinner, as Chosen One I'm ordering you to alter some records at the school."
	"But Chosen One, I could lose my job for tampering with school records." "Besides, Bart needs to learn that his actions have consequences."
	"Who said anything about the boy? I want you to make Lisa's "F" in Physical Education go away."
	"Lisa?! Anything for her!" "Her test scores are the only thing that keeps us from having to put quotation marks around the word “school.”"

End

Character	Dialogue
	"Oh my goodness! I'm going to be presented with an award for excellence. I'll to have to shift some things around on my award shelf." "Wait, this can't be right. It says I'm getting an award for outstanding performance in Physical Education?!" "Ooh, I'll bet those Stonecutters are behind this." "Still. An award is an award. I better go scrunch some trophies closer together."