Welcome to the Stonecutters is a quest that unlocks when the player unlocks a new Stonecutter. Each stonecutter has a task. Note that there is no order to how this quest chain must be done.


Quest Requirements Time
Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 2 Make Number 2 Re-jig Waiting Lists 4h
Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 5 Make Number 908 Get Paddled 16h
Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 12 Make Number 12 Haze Initiate 4h
Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 14 Make Number 14 Do Stonecutters Publicity Piece 4h
Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 21 Make Number 21 Restock the Stonecutter Keggery 4h
Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 22 Make Number 22 Sneak in a Bylaw 4h
Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 36 Make Number 36 Promote Corn-sumerism 4h
Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 50 Make Number 50 Dispose of Parking Tickets 4h
Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 59 Make Number 59 Take Meeting Minutes 4h
Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 66 Make Number 66 Broadcast "Crackpot" Theories 4h
Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 67 Make Number 67 Redirect Traffic Flow 4h
Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 79 Make Number 79 Host Disco Night at the Lodge 4h
Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 85 Make Number 85 Fashion Robes into a Kilt 4h
Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 111 Make Number 111 Reminisce How Things Were Better 4h
Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 314 Make Number 314 Create a Doomsday Weapon 4h
Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 600 Make Number 600 Tamper with School Records 4h


Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 2Edit

Character Dialogue
Number 1 Icon "Oh Number 2, masterminding evil plots has really taken its toll on me."
Dr. Hibbert Icon "You just need a little perking up. I'll schedule a liver transplant for you."
Number 1 Icon "Is my liver failing?!"
Dr. Hibbert Icon "No, but it's nice to have new stuff."
Number 1 Icon "Well, all right. But aren't there waiting lists for these sorts of things?"
Dr. Hibbert Icon "Pshaw! You let me worry about that."

Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 5Edit

Character Dialogue
Jasper Icon "Well, Homer, looks like you saved the best for last!"

"You better believe that's a paddlin'!"

Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 12Edit

Character Dialogue
Lenny Icon "Man, being in a secret cult is the best!"
Carl Icon "It ain't gonna be secret much longer if you keep inviting people to join."

"Do you really want all these idiots to get in?"

Lenny Icon "No! I hate them all. I don't want any of them to get in. It's just…"

"I think I'm addicted to hazing."

Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 14Edit

Character Dialogue
Carl Icon "Hey, Lenny, they want me to pose for the cover of the Stonecutter’s Annual Report!"
Lenny Icon "Do you think they asked you because they’re getting heat for not allowing women and they’re trying to seem more… inclusive?"
Carl Icon "No! They chose me cause I’m photogenic."

"Though they want me to pose in a wheelchair and wear a shirt that says, “Trans-gender”."

Lenny Icon "Work it, Girl!"
Carl Icon "You know I will."

Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 21Edit

Character Dialogue
Moe Icon "Ah, having a cocktail with the guys."

"It's nice to not be the booze monkey who has to jump every time someone says, “I need another beer!”"

Number 1 Icon "I need another beer!"

"Moe, could you shamble down to the basement and fetch another keg?"

Moe Icon "Why me? I outrank a lot of these guys!"
Number 1 Icon "I know, but the kegs are large and must be carried on one's back. We need a man with a good hump between his shoulders."
Moe Icon "Well, okay. I guess it's nice to be wanted for my body."

Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 22Edit

Character Dialogue
Number 1 Icon "Hello Number 22, my dear friend! How are you enjoying your mayorship?"
Quimby Icon "I am loving it. Thank you. It was the most amazing Secret Santa gift anyone could hope for."
Number 1 Icon "I'm just glad you like it. While I'm here, would it be possible to get some by-laws passed?"
Quimby Icon "Whatever you want. Just tell my girl."
Number 1 Icon "Don't you want to look these over? Some of them are rather nefarious."
Quimby Icon "Then peddle it somewhere else because I have a responsibility to my constituents."
Number 1 Icon "Good one, 22! Those improv classes are paying off."
Quimby Icon "Did I, er, say it right? Constituents? That's a word, isn't it?"

Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 36Edit

Character Dialogue
Number 1 Icon "Number 36, I have a task of the utmost importance."
Krusty Icon "Lay it on me, I owe you guys for “taking care” of that little incident between Mr. Teeny and Barack Obama's dog."
Number 1 Icon "Like every powerful secret society, The Stonecutters are highly dependent on a subsidy from the Corn lobby."

"We need you to sell corn in your restaurants."

Krusty Icon "Dude, everything in my restaurant is made of corn and some kind of adhesive. The buns, the pickles, even the Laughy Meal toys."
Number 1 Icon "Excellent. Now figure out a way to double that."

Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 50Edit

Character Dialogue
Wiggum Icon "You asked to see me, O great 1?"
Number 1 Icon "Ah yes, Number 50, I'm embarrassed to say I've had a few more parking tickets."
Wiggum Icon "But how? You have the ultimate parking sticker. You can park anywhere. Even in your office building."

"We had to change all kinds of building codes to let you drive through the lobby like that."

Number 1 Icon "Yes, but although I'm usually allowed to park near hydrants, I cannot when firemen are actively fighting an apartment fire."
Wiggum Icon "It looks like they cited you for “parking on top of their hoses.” And for your car being on fire. I'll take care of these right away."

"And I'll make sure those firemen get only the worst fires from now on!"

Number 1 Icon "You needn't bother."

"But you know that thing where women think all firemen are sexy?"

Wiggum Icon "Yeah."
Number 1 Icon "Maybe not so much for those guys."
Wiggum Icon "Got it."

Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 59Edit

Character Dialogue
Number 1 Icon "Number 59, I notice that when the other members talk you seem to pay very close attention."
Smithers Icon "Not to every member, just the distinguished ones like Mr. Burns… and you."
Number 1 Icon "Would you mind taking minutes during our next meeting?"
Smithers Icon "I'll hang on your every word."

Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 66Edit


Character Dialogue
Brockman Icon "I bring grim tidings, Your 1-ness."

"Lisa Simpson and her Anti-Stonecutter rallies have gotten a lot of people asking questions about this thing of ours."
"I'm afraid the network is feeling pressured to take a closer look at The Stonecutters."

Number 1 Icon "Looks like this town needs a little distraction. Perhaps a fear-inducing crackpot theory or three."

"Think you can handle that?"

Brockman Icon "If I can't, then I don't deserve to call myself a small market local newscaster."


Character Dialogue
Brockman Icon "Tonight: Is the moon slowly killing us?"

"Also, does the color of your pants affect your ability to father a child?"
"Later, we'll learn about pets who turn against their owners in the third part of our series: “Terror In The Hamster-ball”"

Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 67Edit


Character Dialogue
Quimby Icon "Hello Number 67."
Arnie Pye Icon "Gah! Every time I hear my name it reminds me that Brockman, that overpaid hairstyle, is one rank higher than me!"
Quimby Icon "You know, if you were able to, er uh, snarl traffic in the district of my political rival, I may be able to, er-uh, bump you up a few numbers."
Arnie Pye Icon "If there's one thing I'm good at, it's ruining someone else's day. Traffic, get ready to stand still!"


Character Dialogue
Arnie Pye Icon "I did it! Now give me my new number!"
Quimby Icon "You idiot! You taunted Brockman the whole time. On the air! You used my name!"

"Now I have to get an aide to change their name to Quimby so I can pin the rap on them."
"I'm starting to think that punishing commuters for petty slights committed by their elected officials might not be, er ah, worth it."

Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 79Edit

Character Dialogue
Disco Stu Icon "Lodge Brothers from other Lodge Mothers. I've brought you the gift of disco."
"Dance floor, strobe, and DJ – everything to make this a Boogie Night."
Homer Icon "But we're all dudes. Who are we going to dance with?"
Disco Stu Icon "Turn the lights down as low as they go and you can't see that you're dancing alone!"
"That's what Disco Stu does every night."
"Every. Single. Night."
Disco Stu Sad Icon "Disco Stu just realized he has crippling depression."

Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 85Edit

Character Dialogue
Willie Icon "Ach! It's great being a Stonecutter, but I hate having to wear this silly robe."

"How kin ye feel like a man when ye're wearing a floor-length gown?"
"Ah bet with a few alterations Willie could turn this girly dress into a manly skirt!"

Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 111Edit

Character Dialogue
Grampa Icon "Where am I? Why am I wearing this robe? Who put this chicken wing in my hand?"
Number 1 Icon "You are a Stonecutter, this an event planning meeting and you were giving the “ice” report."

"Good. Thank you, Number 111."

Grampa Icon "You know, in my day we didn't need ice! Room temperature – that was the latest craze!"
Number 1 Icon "Oh, dear God…"
Grampa Icon "Back then, we worked hard to out-racist each other and developed new and exciting ways to explain away science…"
Number 1 Icon "We must review our retirement/euthanasia policy."

Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 314Edit


Character Dialogue
Number 1 Icon "Number 314, I need you to build a “doomsday” weapon."

"We're the only secret organization without one and it's getting embarrassing."

Professor Frink Icon "Certainly. There are basically two ways we could go…"

"There is implosion, with the sucking and whooshing and everyone crowded into a teeny-tiny speck…"
"Or there is explosion with the booms and the flashes and everything gets waaaay more spread out… very roomy…"

Number 1 Icon "I leave the choice to you. Have fun with it!"


Character Dialogue
Professor Frink Icon "Good glay-vin! I've done it! I've built a device which will alter the universe as we know it!"
Number 1 Icon "How does it work?"
Professor Frink Icon "It's a “What if?” device. I simply set it to: “What if the big bang missed?” and everything changes."

"Until we use it we won't know exactly what happens."
"We could be erased from existence or we could look the same but with noses right next to our butts. Which would be… bad, too. Ahoyvin."

Welcome to the Stonecutters, Number 600Edit


Character Dialogue
Homer Icon "Skinner, as Chosen One I'm ordering you to alter some records at the school."
Skinner Icon "But Chosen One, I could lose my job for tampering with school records."

"Besides, Bart needs to learn that his actions have consequences."

Homer Icon "Who said anything about the boy? I want you to make Lisa's "F" in Physical Education go away."
Skinner Icon "Lisa?! Anything for her!"

"Her test scores are the only thing that keeps us from having to put quotation marks around the word “school.”"


Character Dialogue
Lisa Icon "Oh my goodness! I'm going to be presented with an award for excellence. I'll to have to shift some things around on my award shelf."

"Wait, this can't be right. It says I'm getting an award for outstanding performance in Physical Education?!"
"Ooh, I'll bet those Stonecutters are behind this."
"Still. An award is an award. I better go scrunch some trophies closer together."

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