Weekend Dad Pt. 1
Make Kirk Eat at Krusty Burger Make Milhouse Eat at Krusty Burger
Weekend Dad Pt. 2
Make Kirk Cry Sitting Down in the Shower
Weekend Dad Pt. 3
Make Kirk Thaw Frozen Hotdogs in the Sink
Weekend Dad Pt. 4
Make Kirk Work at the School
Weekend Dad Pt. 5
Make Kent Brockman Relax
Weekend Dad Pt. 6
Make Kirk Work as a Library Door Monitor
Weekend Dad Pt. 7
Make Kirk Serve Time
Weekend Dad Pt. 8
Make Kirk Advertise Condos
Weekend Dad Pt. 9
Make Kirk Protect Crops
Weekend Dad Pt. 10
Make Kirk Work as an Assistant Dishwasher
Weekend Dad Pt. 11
Make Kirk Gold-Farm in Homer's Happy Little Elves Game
Weekend Dad Pt. 12
Make Kirk Gold-Farm in Homer's Happy Little Elves Game (x3)
Weekend Dad Pt. 13
Place the Golden Calf Idol
Weekend Dad Pt. 14
Make Kirk Get Belittled by Nerds
Weekend Dad Pt. 15
Build the Office of Unemployment Make Kirk Collect Unemployment Check
Weekend Dad Pt. 16
Make Kirk Eat at Krusty Burger Make Milhouse Eat at Krusty Burger
"Dad! You’re back! Just when I thought I would have to go through puberty without male guidance." "Luckily, I’m a late bloomer."
"All the Van Houten’s are late bloomers. It’s actually our family crest." "My head hurts. The last thing I remember was arguing with your mother." "Then I woke up in my old bachelor pad, locked in the trunk of my racecar bed." "Is this Springfield? What happened here?"
"That’s a long story, but I can tell you all about it!"
"How about over dinner? Good ol’ dad’s gonna treat you to the finest restaurant in town! Let me check the change purse..." "On second thought, how about the finest restaurant most recently shut down by the health department?"
"Thanks, Dad — that was fun! Maybe we should make it a weekly thing?"
"Let’s not get our hopes up son. I am Kirk Van Houten after all — I may not always be rolling in so much spare change." "But it’s a new Springfield and a new me! From now on, when I cry in the shower, it will be standing up!"
"Kirk, I’m glad you’re back. Milhouse has been a real bad influence on Bart lately."
"Milhouse is now the bad kid! My kid is really moving up in the world. Usually it’s Bart who needs to be reined in."
"You’ve been gone for 36 levels and you have the gall to give me parenting advice?"
"36 levels? How many characters did they have to go through to get to me? Did they even have names?"
"I thought you knew. I’m really sorry to be breaking the fourth wall like this. Frankly, it’s cheap storytelling."
"Cheap storytelling is all I deserve." "No, I’m the new Kirk and I’m not going to let this get to me." "I’m fine with level 36. 36 was a good year — I had most of my hair at 36."
"You’re actually level 37..."
"I lost all of my hair at 37! They built an amusement park before bringing me back! Can you believe that, kid?"
"I think I followed the wrong blue haired fat man home from the grocery store..."
"There are just no job opportunities for a salt of the earth unsalted cracker man like myself."
"Maybe you should try something new?"
"Wafers? Biscuits? Tortillas? Biscotti?"
"Maybe you need to think a little bit more outside the box."
"But I already lost the company millions with Crackers in a Bag."
"Why don’t you go out and look for something new? I’m sure you’ll be bringing home the bacon in no time."
"Bacon? Not on my budget."
"What am I doing? I was given a fresh start and already I’m eating expired partially thawed hot dogs." "Luann will never take me back if I don’t turn myself around and get a job."
"Maybe you should talk to Reverend Lovejoy."
"Because he always offers sage advice to those in need?"
"No, he’s just a bit friendlier to people showing up at his doorstep uninvited."
"Reverend, I’m here because I have nowhere else to go."
"I understand. Desperation is the number one reason why people turn to religion."
"Great, I’d like some money please."
"You can’t just ask for money."
"Isn’t that the point of the collection plate?"
*sigh* "If I get you a job interview, will you promise to leave and never to come back?"
"At least the first part!"
"You want to learn the ancient art of groundskeeping do ye? Well, it’s going to be a long road filled with arduous trials." "Why I bet you don’t know the first thing about being a groundskeeper?"
"If someone vomits, clean it up."
"You’re a natural. Like a young me, only sadder. And fatter. And older." "Now hold open this trash bag while a student volunteer shovels in pig guts." "Add some chopped onion and you’ll have a mean haggis."
"Haha! Milhouse’s dad has a job!"
"You’re the school janitor?" "Couldn’t you find an embarrassing soul-crushing job somewhere where everyone I know WOULDN’T see you?"
"Actually, it’s an unpaid internship. But I get to take home the uneaten taco shells every Taco Tuesday!"
"But if you’re not getting paid, why even take the job?"
"Because life is like a marriage… you just have to keep plugging away at it no matter how awful it is." "Besides, do you think a success story like Kent Brockman gets paid just to lie around all day?"
"Well that certainly showed me. I really wish I could have it that easy."
"Why can’t you?"
"There’s just nothing like that on my list of jobs."
"Uh hey Principal Skinner. All these cleaning supplies are giving me a rash, and my health insurance turned out to be just a band-aid and a tic-tac."
"How much are we paying you?"
"Oh no, we can’t afford that. You’re fired, immediately."
"Oh no, another failure. What am I going to do?"
"Mr. Van Houten, perhaps I can be of some help."
"Marry Milhouse and give me one less mouth to feed?"
"Not in a thousand years. But there’s a job opening at the Springfield Library."
"What is it? CEO? CFO? Head Librarian?"
"Alright, vagrant. I’m placing you under arrest for loitering without a laptop or half-finished screenplay."
"But I’m not a vagrant or a hack writer! I work here!"
"A likely story! And a pretty good one. Good enough that it belongs in MY half-finished screenplay “All Hail the Chief: A Wiggum Adventure.”" "Lou, bring him in for questioning about his backstory."
"Mr. Van Houten! Before you return to your life of drudgery, perhaps you and I could come to some sort of favorable agreement." "I happen to have a legitimate job that needs doing, but all my employees are only trained in illegitimate jobs." "You see, an associate of mine has built some new condos, and it would please him greatly if someone were to help him in the sales department."
"Like a real-estate agent?"
"I suppose you could look at it that way; but no, in reality not so much." "Perhaps I could say you have no choice in the matter. That it’s either this or you sleep with the fishes."
"That’s a choice."
"I can see why your wife divorced you."
"That was a low blow. Lucky for you, I respond well to being belittled. You’ve got yourself an employee."
"Hot dog! That’s some top notch standin’. You interested in graduatin’ up to the big leagues?"
"I’ll do anything to get out of being a human sign! What do you need?"
"A human scarecrow. Them crows can smell failure a mile away."
"A job where failure’s a requirement? Everything’s coming up Kirk!"
"You’ll have to provide your own tattered clothes... but I sees you got those already."
"Dad, I haven’t seen you in ages. Is it because you found a job?"
"I didn’t just find one job, I found several. Why work one job with benefits when you can work lots of jobs without any at all?"
"It’s the new American dream!" "Great, want to go eat out at a restaurant to celebrate?"
"Even better idea. How about I go work at a restaurant to celebrate?"
"Milhouse, would it be too scarring for you if you rocked your old man to sleep in your arms, stroking his hair, telling him it's all going to work out?"
"You lost your job again, didn't you?"
"Kids are just too perceptive these days."
"Don't worry -- I've got it covered! You know how all these years, you've said that being friends with Bart was a waste of time?" "Well, not any more! His dad is desperate to hire someone!"
"What kind of job could Homer possibly be hiring for?"
"I don't know -- but he said it's in the game industry."
"Just keep doing the shortest jobs possible over and over again." "That's the best way for me to get gold in Happy Little Elves game."
"Can't you just buy some Elf Berries?"
"I don't pay you to think. I pay you to tap!"
"That was a great first day, Kirk." "Now it's time for you to work your first night. And then the next day, and then the next night, and..."
"But Homer, I need to sleep."
"Fine, you can sleep after that. But I'm docking all this sleeping time you're taking from your salary."
"Great work, Milhouse's Dad! Now I believe your cut was ten percent of the gold you farmed me..."
"What?! You're going to pay me in-game currency? What good is that going to do me?!"
"Maybe you haven't noticed, but it's all in-game currency around here. No one says "dollars" anymore."
"Well, at least give me some premium currency then!"
"Donuts? Fat chance, fatso!"
"I'm not the fatso -- you're the fatso!"
"I believe you mean, "you're the fatso, boss." "Here, I'll pay you this thing I found in the basement. It's been around for years and no one wants it. Just like you."
"Wow, that was really mean."
"I know. I felt bad as soon as I said it, sorry. I think I'm just depressed because you're life is so sucky."
"I bet I can pawn this cow off at the comic book shop. He collects all sorts of weird stuff."
"Ah, the golden statue from the discontinued dance show Twerkcules and the Golden Calf." "Unfortunately, this is a fake. Therefore, I will give you nothing for it."
"Nothing? I was hoping for a little more than that!"
"Fine, I will pay you something, but only if you stand around in the shop." "Your presence makes my customers feel better about their own lives by comparison."
"You know Milhouse, things are really looking up. Today I got a job based solely off my looks. Now I know how models feel."
"Sounds like people are finally appreciating you. Maybe now we can throw out all your vision boards?"
"I guess you’re just about ready to nail a job as a big time manager, huh dad?"
"Yeah, about that... it doesn’t seem like getting work experience is all that helpful in actually getting work." "These jobs are all dead ends." "What I need is time to network in all those cracker factory social circles, maybe graduate up to the glitzy world of graham crackers."
"But who’s going to pay you to take time off and noodle around, looking for your dream job?"
"Wow, a check for doing nothing! Finally the government is good for something other than just building roads and hospitals."
"Dad, when I grow up I’m going to be unemployed. Just like you!"
"My son wants to follow in my footsteps. I am so proud." "This is cause for a celebration! The Van Houtens are going to dine on the best food an unemployment check will allow!"
"You know, with you not working all the time, it’s been nice to actually spend some time together."
"Without a job to get in the way, I see now that the most important thing in life is family." "And government-provided unemployment benefits. Yeah, mostly that."