"March is here! And you know what that means: time to make my New Years Resolution!"
"Didn't you make a resolution in January?"
"I did. It was stop postponing making New Years Resolutions. It isn't going well."
"So what's your resolution? Hit the gym? Read more? Improve your lexicon?"
"Lisa, what have I told you about making up words. Gym? Ridiculous." "My resolution is to prepare for St. Patrick's Day down at O'Flanagan's Pub so I don't end up face down in the gutter by accident." "This year, I'll end up there by choice!"
"And I won't be taking any excuses like I did last year! So leave you hangovers and heart attacks at home!"
"Homer, you’ve failed at so many things: real estate exams, successfully making list of three… you must not fail at this." "But this hard, glass-strewn concrete floor looks so inviting. Maybe I’ll just take a little nap."
"Hoooommmeeeer, it’s me. The Ghost of Liver Past."
"The Ghost of Liver Past? Never heard of you."
"That’s because those Christmas ghosts used up all of our public relations budget! It’s all about social media these days. I mean… boooooooooo!" "I’m here to show you how things used to be when you drank responsibly, by magically transporting you through time and space."
"Do I have to walk?"
"No." "You do have to stand while I possess you though."
"That was awful! The dank, dark bars. The sticky floors. The broken dreams… brand condom machines." "I don’t want that to be my life! Please tell me how I can change my ways!"
"I can’t… because I’m actually the Ghost of Liver Present! Bet you didn’t see that coming!"
"So this is what my life is like now? And you’re what my liver looks like now?"
"I know — sad right? There’s no Ghost of Liver Future because your liver doesn't have a future." "Also because people got too used to the three ghost system, so we had to change it up." "We’re beta testing it now. Actually, if you’d be willing to fill out a short questionnaire…" "Oh, you’re crying. Well I’ll just put down satisfied and see myself out."
"What have I been doing? Training for St. Patrick’s day when I could have been stopping to smell the roses." "Assuming people played the Valentine’s Day update." "I was so focused on my drinking, I forgot about the most important thing in my life — my, I don’t know, family probably."