"The Holidays are here again? It seems like only yesterday I was tapping on my house and changing the design from “Christmas” to “plain.” "And so much snow!"
"Hey, EA! Ever hear of global warming. The whole “White Christmas” thing doesn’t really happen anymore."
"Lisa, everyone knows EA is overrun with global warming deniers.
Every cent of profit from their games goes to support anti-environment think thanks. Fun fact!"
"There’s a big crate outside our house addressed to “Resident.” Is that for us?
"Well, I don’t mean to brag, but…yeah, it’s true. Your old man is a “Resident.” Been one my whole life. It’s pretty sweet." "Sorry we never told you you’re descended from Residents. Your mother and I didn't want it to go to your head." "You’d naturally want to lord it over other, less-fortunate kids at school."
"Yeah, thanks a bunch, I really just want to know what’s inside the crate."
"There’s a memo attached to the bottom of the purchase order slip" “Dear Resident, due to a stack overflow error with the Naughty/Nice record of one Bartholomew J. Simpson, all of Springfield has been erroneously rated “Naughty” for the last ten years.” "To rectify the situation, Claus Co is required to provide presents for the town of Springfield until this deficit has been made up." "Please accept this present delivery depot. Best Regards, The Claus Co Public Relations Department. Also, Global Warming is a hoax."
"Stupid stack overflow errors! Hey programmers, give your recursive functions the correct termination conditions! Sheesh!"
"Uh, Dad? How do you know any of those words?"
"I don’t! But the people who write for me are colossal nerds. They think stuff like that’s hilarious. Stupid nerds!"
"I love getting gift cards! They let me choose the gift I want."
"Or, I can put them in a dresser drawer, forget they exist, and get nothing. Which is what happens 99.9% of the time. The choice is mine!"
"They say they’re redeemable at a store called “Claus Co”."
"Claus Co? Never heard of them . But then again, there’s lots of things I’ve never heard of." "Like the Higgs Boson, for example. I’ve sure never heard of that thing!" "Anyway, free stuff is free stuff. Let’s celebrate!"
"Hey, Apu! Can I pay for stuff at your store with Claus Co gift cards?"
"Do you think me a fool? Those gift cards are a totally unknown commodity. They could be worthless tomorrow." "The U.S. dollar, on the other hand, is worthless today. Of couse I'll take your mystery cards! I'd be a fool not to!"
"Ah, Christmas. That frenetic orgy of desperate, credit-ruining spending. How it warms the heart of the non-Christian shop owner."
"If these Jesus Boosters just enjoyed the season, it would be fine. But they’re miserable. Every last one of them." "Yoo-hoo! Christians! Your silly holidays make no sense!" "Now, in honor of the Hindu celebration of Pancha Ganapati, I leave this offering of fruit to the five-faced elephant god, Ganesha. Because that’s just common sense."
"I done collected me a truckload of these here gift cards." "I's got more money than God!" "I refer, of course, to the Hillbilly God. His name is Zeb, and he’s poor on account of his best pig got hit by lightning." "This year I can buy something for all my kin." "All my 1,549 siblings, uncles, aunts, cousins, nephews, nieces and various combinations of the above"
"What, so now everyone’s rich? Not just me? How is that fair?" "I worked hard my whole life, stealing from talented comics everywhere." "How am I gonna know I’m better than everyone else if I don’t have loads more money?"
"In what sense are you rich? You owe millions to the mob!"
"How do you know about my gambling debts?"
"You've been very frank about it in your act. It’s fertile comedic ground. I’m not sure why the children respond to it, but they do."
"Gift cards everywhere! This year, I can afford to have the kind of Christmas I’ve only dreamed of!" "Halls decked to perfection, figgy pudding bursting with figs, wassail freaking everywhere." "Everybody donning their gayest apparel, songs of good cheer around the piano, until Dad says something that Mom mishears as a crack about her weight, and then the mood gets icy real fast..." "Actually, it all sounds pretty terrible. Think I’m going to find another use for these cards.
"Come on, kids! The Simpsons are eating out tonight!"
"What’s the occasion?"
"The happiest occasion there is: money. Only a colossal sucker eats at home when he has money!"
"I thought you liked mom’s cooking."
"I love it! And wherever we go, the food won’t measure up." "It will taste worse, yet be loaded with calorie-rich, high-fat gunk from parts of animals we’d rather not know exist." "Yet none of that matters. Because I will be served by someone who laughs at my jokes and pretends I’m wonderful." "All because they want some of my charming money." "And don’t forget — the kiddies get off-brand crayons! And paper placemats with word searches, and mazes..."
"I do like mazes..."
When Sending Springfielders to Eat at a RestaurantEdit
"Come on, octuplets. Let’s do put another “Kids eat Free!” restaurant out of business!"
""I hope they prepare my Possum tableside."
""I will have the Soylent Green. And a bottle of your finest Slurm."
"To speed up the evening, I’d like a table close to the kitchen, and an ambulance parked right outside."
"There’s something magical about being served your food by your food."
"I ENJOY PAN-ASIAN CUISINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Gimme the most expensive item on the menu, smothered in melted the second-most-expensive-item-on-the-menu."
"I have never tasted un-turpentined wine."
"Even Jesus ate out once in a while towards the end."
"I’ll start with a bowl of the color blue. For my main course, I’d like to watch “Strange Brew” with your coolest busboy." "For dessert, the entire world holding hands and experiencing perfect knowingness."
"I am working on a nutritious, lab-grown, food-replacement powder that will render restaurants obsolete. Full disclosure."
"Don’t expect me to thank you. An evening with Mother is joyless no matter the setting."
"If I had enough whiskey, I’ll believe anything is haggis. Remember this simple rule, and the evening will go better."
"We couldn't afford it till now. When money’s no object, why would anyone choose to be sober?" "We're all super charming and fun now! And, yes, vehicular homocides have ticked up. But when you’re drunk, it just doesn't matter."
"I had no idea my prices were forcing everyone into horrible, sobriety. I gotta make up for that!" "Hey, everybody! Drinks on the house!"
"Hey Wiggum! You want a sandwich? I bought a dozen of them. You know, like the rich guy I now am." "Rich guys always buy as much of something as possible, so you can tell them apart from poors. I think it’s one of the wealthy’s best qualities."
"Thanks. Hey, have you noticed that when you don’t have to work for a living, you end up with a lot of time to kill?"
"Well, I find eating sandwiches to be a rewarding way to fill the time." "Other people may turn to reading, or spending time with loved one. But as for me, sandwiches."
"I never realized you were so wise. I guess your wisdom gets lost beneath the innumerable dumb things you do and say."
"Look at what these holiday gift cards have done to this town, Dad. We’re falling apart!"
"Sweetie, did you ever think maybe a town constructed of money and donuts isn't meant to last forever?"
"It's the Seven Deadly Sins on parade! We eat all the time — that’s Gluttony." "We lie around drinking all day — that's Sloth!" "We fight each other to buy everything in sight — Greed!"
"That's only three sins. Four more to go — including some of the funnest ones!" "Wrath, Lust, Pride– ooh, and Envy! Let’s not pull the plug until I’ve had a chance to get in some sweet, sweet envying."
"Claus Co is at the heart of all this trouble. But who are they?" "Hmmm... There's some terms and conditions printed on the back of these gift cards." "Pursuant to the clause stated in paragraph 5, …" Dad! These conditions are even worse than a cell phone company's!" "They're almost as draconian as the makers of popular mobile devices, such as phones and tablets!" "The same devices upon which people play freemium games!"
"Anyone who’d waste their time on that junk deserves whatever’s coming to them."