The Way I Wish We Was is the main quest of the Level 45 update.

Quests[edit | edit source]

Note that currently (as of Dec 2014) this questline is triggering before the previous 4 lines are completed. As a result, you will have Artie with no quests available for him, and part 2 will not trigger, until those preceding lines are completed.

Quest Requirements Triggered By Time
The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 1 Build ZiffCorp Sign Patty Bouvier --
The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 2 Make Homer Drink at Moe's
Make Moe Serve Drinks
Make Artie Have a Glass of Soy Milk at Moe's
Marge Simpson 8h
The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 3 Make Moe Spy on Midge
Make Artie Spy on Everyone
Homer 12h
The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 4 Make Artie Propose to Marge Artie 24h
The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 5 Make Artie Form Business Connections Artie 12h
The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 6 Make Springfielders Invest in ZiffCorp (x10) Artie 4h
The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 7 Make Artie Short Sell ZiffCorp Stock Lenny 24h
The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 8 Build Indoor Tennis Courts
Make Artie File for Bankruptcy
Artie 24h
The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 9 Build ZiffCorp Office Building Judge Snyder 24h

Dialogue[edit | edit source]

The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 1[edit | edit source]

Start[edit | edit source]

Character Dialogue
Patty Icon.png "Why the frown, Selma?"
"This better be because we were ousted from the MacGyver Fan Club for indecency, and not man problems again!"
Selma Sad Icon.png "My boyfriend got an electrolarynx and now says he's too good for me."
Patty Angry Icon.png "For God's sake, Selma – there're plenty of handsome men in the sea."
Patty Icon.png "Desperate, lonely, ugly, handsome men."
Selma Icon.png "Look at the facts, Patty. We're past 44 and still alone."
Selma Sad Icon.png "Even my green card marriage fell apart – how am I supposed to compete with Haiti?"
Patty Icon.png "I have a feeling 45 will take us to a whole new level."
"And that level is rock bottom, with hunks like Artie Ziff."
Selma Icon.png "You mean the guy who's crazy about Marge?"
Patty Icon.png "A desperation only a loving sister can take advantage of."

End[edit | edit source]

Character Dialogue
Selma Icon.png "Well, look who the cat spit up! Me-*cough*-ow."
Artie Ziff Icon.png "Who’s there?"
"As the former Treasurer of the Billionaire Club, until it disbanded over mysteriously vanished funds, I demand to know who that is."
Selma Happy Icon.png "It’s your dream date…’s sister."
Selma Icon.png "And you are going to take me out to dinner."
Artie Ziff Icon.png "I would gladly settle for you for the evening, but I appear to have returned from limbo a bit cash poor…"
Artie Ziff Sad Icon.png "…the worst kind of poor there is."
Artie Ziff Icon.png "But if you float me I promise I’ll pay you back in unconstructive criticism."
Selma Icon.png "Sorry, Artie, I can take sleazy and selfish, but not sleazy, selfish and broke. I have standards."
Artie Ziff Confused Icon.png "Wait… You? Selma? You’re turning ME down?"
Complete Artie’s Quests to regain ZiffCorp Office Building and his flagging confidence.
— In Game Message

The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 2[edit | edit source]

Character Dialogue
Marge Sad Icon.png "Oh no... Artie!"
"Don't take this the wrong way..."
"...but you're the last person I ever wanted to see again."
Artie Ziff Icon.png "If I had a nickel every time someone said that to me, I'd still be rich!"
"But don't worry your corn cob shaped head, I'm just here for a helping hand..."
" marriage?"
Artie Ziff Happy Icon.png "Kidding!"
Artie Ziff Icon.png "Just a helping hand. No funny business..."
"...unless you like a man who's funny."
Artie Ziff Happy Icon.png "Kidding again!"
Artie Ziff Icon.png "Just the help."
Homer Icon.png "Maybe I can help you."
Marge Surprised Icon.png "Homer! Really?"
Homer Icon.png "It's so rare to help someone worse off than me."
Homer Thoughtful Icon.png "I'm always the bottom left of New York Magazine's Approval Matrix."
Homer Sad Icon.png "Every week!"
Artie Ziff Icon.png "I humbly accept your offer of help, Homer. You clearly are the bigger man."
Homer Angry Icon.png "I offer you help and you insult my weight. How dare you!"
Lisa Deadpan Icon.png "He means that as a compliment, Dad."
Homer Serious Icon.png "In that case, let's do the manliest thing I know -"
Homer Happy Icon.png "Destroy our livers!"

The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 3[edit | edit source]

Character Dialogue
Homer Icon.png "Now that you have some Liquid Courage, and I've had some alcohol, let's find you a date!"
"First, you'll need a wingman, one who is both uglier than you and less attractive."
Homer Sarcastic Icon.png "Lucky for us, we have Moe."
Moe Sad Icon.png "I know it, but it still hurts."
Artie Ziff Icon.png "What exactly does being a wingman entail?"
Moe Icon.png " For starters, I can help you collect intel on the prey..."
Moe Worried Icon.png "...I mean victim..."
"...I mean woman..."
Moe Icon.png "...I mean object."
"Then you can use that information to manipulate her!"
Artie Ziff Confused Icon.png "And all this time I've been foolishly selling personal information to the government, when I could have been using it to get dates?"

The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 4[edit | edit source]

Start[edit | edit source]

Character Dialogue
Artie Ziff Icon.png "Marge, it is my professional opinion as an amateur opinion giver that everything wrong in your life is because of that sub-human drunk Homer Simpson!"
Marge Angry Icon.png "My husband offered to help you and this is how you repay him?"
Artie Ziff Icon.png "This is new Springfield!"
"It's a vast multi-dimensional universe where the currency is trans-fat based. Everything's changing!"
"Give me a chance, Marge, and I can vastly improve your quality of life!"
Marge Angry Icon.png "Ok Artie, what do you propose?"
Artie Ziff Happy Icon.png "Margery Bouvier! I thought you'd never ask!"

End[edit | edit source]

Character Dialogue
Marge Angry Icon.png "Artie, no means no."
Marge Sad Icon.png "I wish you would respect me when I say that."
Artie Ziff Icon.png "Sometimes the most respectful thing you can do is ignore a woman's wishes and tell her what she really wants."
"You're looking at the new Artie! One that looks, talks, and acts like the old one."
Marge Angry Icon.png "If you think you're a better man, Artie, don't prove it to me – prove it to yourself!"

The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 5[edit | edit source]

Character Dialogue
Artie Ziff Icon.png "Marge is playing hard to get once again!"
"But if I know Marge, and for some reason I believe I do, the one thing that impresses her above all else is..."
Artie Ziff Happy Icon.png "MONEY!"
Artie Ziff Icon.png "Time to reclaim my crown as the most successful, narcissistic idiot in Springfield's business universe."
"Watch out, Krusty!"
"And Mr. Burns!"
"And Duffman!"
"And Kent Brockman!"
"Geez, I didn't realize there were so many rich idiots in--"
Moe Angry Icon.png "Keep your monologue to yourself, buddy. This bar is here to forget your problems, not solve them.
Artie Ziff Icon.png "Sorry Moe, I have this bad habit of thinking out loud. I suppose I can't quite get enough of the delightful sound of my own voice."

The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 6[edit | edit source]

Start[edit | edit source]

Character Dialogue
Artie Ziff Icon.png "Moe, I came to you first with an exciting business opportunity."
Moe Icon.png "The last time I fell for that line I bought an Indian graveyard."
Moe Worried Icon.png "Err, I mean, an empty plot of land."
NativeAmericanSpirit Icon.png "You said you would honor our spirit, Moe."
Moe Icon.png "And you believed me, Chief Gullible Panther."
Artie Ziff Icon.png "Moe, you've proven yourself a man with loose morals and that's exactly who I want to be in business with."
"Buy some shares of ZiffCorp and don't ask too many questions, and I'll make you rich beyond your wildest dreams."
Moe Icon.png "I don't know – I've got some pretty wild dreams."
"In one, I got wheels for feet."

End[edit | edit source]

Character Dialogue
Lenny Icon.png "Hey, Carl, do you think we made a mistake investing our life savings into this stock?"
Carl Icon.png "No, Artie said he was coming to us first. And we can trust him -- he was wearing a suit."

The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 7[edit | edit source]

Start[edit | edit source]

Character Dialogue
Carl Icon.png "ZiffCorp was ranked the number one stock to buy in 2014 by Hickory Dickory Stock, the magazine for child economists."
"If it's good enough for America's youth, then it's good enough for me."
Lenny Icon.png "It's logic like that that makes me feel better about investing so much in a company I know so little about."
Carl Icon.png "And here's another article on ZiffCorp in Ferdinand the Bull Market, the magazine for child bankers."
"Huh. Turns out ZiffCorp's borrowing our shares, short-selling them, and then repurchasing and returning them to us at a later date."
Lenny Icon.png "That seems a little shady and not to our benefit. Should we be worried?"
Carl Icon.png "My financial adviser says there is nothing to be worried about. We'll be millionaires by nap time."

End[edit | edit source]

Character Dialogue
The Rich Texan Icon.png "Yeehaw! I just bought me a majority share of the hottest company in 'Murica! I feel like dancin'."
Artie Ziff Angry Icon.png "Please stop shooting your own feet! We're on the second floor."
The Rich Texan Icon.png "Well, how do you dance if you aren't shooting at your feet to make ‘em move?"
Artie Ziff Icon.png "In my culture, we sit down in chairs and make other people pick them up and dance for us."
See what The Rich Texan is up to at the end of the quest line. Find him in the store.
— System Message

The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 8[edit | edit source]

Start[edit | edit source]

Character Dialogue
Artie Ziff Sad Icon.png "I know how unorthodox it is to call a board of directors meeting in the middle of the streets, but I need to tell you all something and I wanted to do it in a place where I can easily escape."
"ZiffCorp is filing for bankruptcy."
Carl Surprised Icon.png "What about the articles in Mother Goose's ‘Lullabye and Sell' about ZiffCorp's massive profits? Was that all just a fantasy?"
Artie Ziff Icon.png "No, not a fantasy."
"A lie! That was a lie!"
"I think it's technically called investor fraud."
Lenny Surprised Icon.png "But what about us?"
Artie Ziff Icon.png "You will lose all your investments."
"But don't worry, there's a silver lining..."
Lenny Icon.png "Oh good, cause that all sounded really bad. What is it?"
Artie Ziff Icon.png "You didn't let me finish. A silver lining on my new tennis court."
"Not quite regulation, but I love the way my ruby-crusted tennis balls clang off it."

End[edit | edit source]

Character Dialogue
Marge Angry Icon.png "Artie, you are absolutely the most unethical, sleazy example of a human being I have ever come across!"
Artie Ziff Icon.png "You're right – I AM rich."
Artie Ziff Happy Icon.png "Now will you marry me, Marge?"
Marge Angry Icon.png "You just don't get it. I don't want to be with you, or even around you. Go home Artie."
Artie Ziff Sad Icon.png "What could have possibly gone wrong?!"
"I didn't listen to a word she said and ruined hundreds of people's lives."
"I should be swimming in Marges."

The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 9[edit | edit source]

Start[edit | edit source]

Character Dialogue
Judge Snyder Icon.png "...Insider trading, cooking the books, dangerously undercooked books, unauthorized exchanges, laundering money through numerous child-focused investment magazines."
"I don't know if there's a white collar crime you haven't committed, Mr. Ziff."
Artie Ziff Icon.png "White collar crimes are the good ones, right?"
Judge Snyder Icon.png "Mr. Ziff, these are very serious accusations!"
"A lot of people, including myself, have been financially crippled because of you! You've ruined lives!"
Artie Ziff Icon.png "I don't suppose this ‘Get Out of Jail Free' card I have in my wallet is game transferrable?"
Judge Snyder Icon.png "Jail? I don't think that's necessary. It's not like you shoplifted or were found with a minuscule amount of drugs."
"House arrest will do. And if you don't have a house, the court will appoint one for you."
"As for your failing business that ruined the community, its market cap just qualifies as too big to fail."
"I hereby order the town to bail out ZiffCorp and build it a fancy office building."
"Case dismissed!"

End[edit | edit source]

Character Dialogue
Lenny Icon.png "So ZiffCorp is back and will be publicly traded."
Lenny Sad Icon.png "But I'll never be fooled by a man in a fancy suit again."
Lenny Icon.png "Hey! Nice suit, Carl, so are you thinking of buying back in?"
Carl Surprised Icon.png "Are you crazy? I lost over three hundred thousand dollars!"
Lenny Icon.png "Then I'm buying back in!"
Carl Surprised Icon.png "What?! Why?"
Lenny Icon.png "I said I wasn't going to listen to a man in a suit and you're a man in a suit."
"Thanks for the not advice, Carl."
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