Note that currently (as of Dec 2014) this questline is triggering before the previous 4 lines are completed. As a result, you will have Artie with no quests available for him, and part 2 will not trigger, until those preceding lines are completed.
"Who’s there?" "As the former Treasurer of the Billionaire Club, until it disbanded over mysteriously vanished funds, I demand to know who that is."
"It’s your dream date…’s sister." "And you are going to take me out to dinner."
"I would gladly settle for you for the evening, but I appear to have returned from limbo a bit cash poor…" "…the worst kind of poor there is." "But if you float me I promise I’ll pay you back in unconstructive criticism."
"Sorry, Artie, I can take sleazy and selfish, but not sleazy, selfish and broke. I have standards."
"Wait… You? Selma? You’re turning ME down?"
Complete Artie’s Quests to regain ZiffCorp Office Building and his flagging confidence.
"Oh no... Artie!" "Don't take this the wrong way..." "...but you're the last person I ever wanted to see again."
"If I had a nickel every time someone said that to me, I'd still be rich!" "But don't worry your corn cob shaped head, I'm just here for a helping hand..." "...in marriage?" "Kidding!" "Just a helping hand. No funny business..." "...unless you like a man who's funny." "Kidding again!" "Just the help."
"Maybe I can help you."
"It's so rare to help someone worse off than me." "I'm always the bottom left of New York Magazine's Approval Matrix." "Every week!"
"I humbly accept your offer of help, Homer. You clearly are the bigger man."
"I offer you help and you insult my weight. How dare you!"
"He means that as a compliment, Dad."
"In that case, let's do the manliest thing I know -" "Destroy our livers!"
"Now that you have some Liquid Courage, and I've had some alcohol, let's find you a date!" "First, you'll need a wingman, one who is both uglier than you and less attractive." "Lucky for us, we have Moe."
"I know it, but it still hurts."
"What exactly does being a wingman entail?"
" For starters, I can help you collect intel on the prey..." "...I mean victim..." "...I mean woman..." "...I mean object." "Then you can use that information to manipulate her!"
"Marge, it is my professional opinion as an amateur opinion giver that everything wrong in your life is because of that sub-human drunk Homer Simpson!"
"My husband offered to help you and this is how you repay him?"
"This is new Springfield!" "It's a vast multi-dimensional universe where the currency is trans-fat based. Everything's changing!" "Give me a chance, Marge, and I can vastly improve your quality of life!"
"Marge is playing hard to get once again!" "But if I know Marge, and for some reason I believe I do, the one thing that impresses her above all else is..." "MONEY!" "Time to reclaim my crown as the most successful, narcissistic idiot in Springfield's business universe." "Watch out, Krusty!" "And Mr. Burns!" "And Duffman!" "And Kent Brockman!" "Geez, I didn't realize there were so many rich idiots in--"
"Keep your monologue to yourself, buddy. This bar is here to forget your problems, not solve them.
"Sorry Moe, I have this bad habit of thinking out loud. I suppose I can't quite get enough of the delightful sound of my own voice."
"Moe, I came to you first with an exciting business opportunity."
"The last time I fell for that line I bought an Indian graveyard." "Err, I mean, an empty plot of land."
"You said you would honor our spirit, Moe."
"And you believed me, Chief Gullible Panther."
"Moe, you've proven yourself a man with loose morals and that's exactly who I want to be in business with." "Buy some shares of ZiffCorp and don't ask too many questions, and I'll make you rich beyond your wildest dreams."
"I don't know – I've got some pretty wild dreams." "In one, I got wheels for feet."
"ZiffCorp was ranked the number one stock to buy in 2014 by Hickory Dickory Stock, the magazine for child economists." "If it's good enough for America's youth, then it's good enough for me."
"It's logic like that that makes me feel better about investing so much in a company I know so little about."
"And here's another article on ZiffCorp in Ferdinand the Bull Market, the magazine for child bankers." "Huh. Turns out ZiffCorp's borrowing our shares, short-selling them, and then repurchasing and returning them to us at a later date."
"That seems a little shady and not to our benefit. Should we be worried?"
"My financial adviser says there is nothing to be worried about. We'll be millionaires by nap time."
"I know how unorthodox it is to call a board of directors meeting in the middle of the streets, but I need to tell you all something and I wanted to do it in a place where I can easily escape." "ZiffCorp is filing for bankruptcy."
"What about the articles in Mother Goose's ‘Lullabye and Sell' about ZiffCorp's massive profits? Was that all just a fantasy?"
"No, not a fantasy." "A lie! That was a lie!" "I think it's technically called investor fraud."
"But what about us?"
"You will lose all your investments." "But don't worry, there's a silver lining..."
"Oh good, cause that all sounded really bad. What is it?"
"You didn't let me finish. A silver lining on my new tennis court." "Not quite regulation, but I love the way my ruby-crusted tennis balls clang off it."
"...Insider trading, cooking the books, dangerously undercooked books, unauthorized exchanges, laundering money through numerous child-focused investment magazines." "I don't know if there's a white collar crime you haven't committed, Mr. Ziff."
"White collar crimes are the good ones, right?"
"Mr. Ziff, these are very serious accusations!" "A lot of people, including myself, have been financially crippled because of you! You've ruined lives!"
"I don't suppose this ‘Get Out of Jail Free' card I have in my wallet is game transferrable?"
"Jail? I don't think that's necessary. It's not like you shoplifted or were found with a minuscule amount of drugs." "House arrest will do. And if you don't have a house, the court will appoint one for you." "As for your failing business that ruined the community, its market cap just qualifies as too big to fail." "I hereby order the town to bail out ZiffCorp and build it a fancy office building." "Case dismissed!"