The Simpsons: Tapped Out Wiki
The Simpsons: Tapped Out Wiki

The Helium-Neon Gas Laser Is Always Greener is a premium questline released on March 28, 2017, during the Secret Agents 2017 Event. It requires the premium character Hank Scorpio, as well as start of The Man Who Knew Too Little Pt. 5 quest.

Quests[]

Quest Requirements Time Reward Triggered By
The Helium-Neon Gas Laser Is Always Greener Pt. 1 Make Hank Scorpio Start a New Business 8h Cash100
Experience10
Hank Scorpio
The Helium-Neon Gas Laser Is Always Greener Pt. 2 Make Hank Scorpio Look for Work 60m Cash100
Experience10
Hank Scorpio
The Helium-Neon Gas Laser Is Always Greener Pt. 3 Make Hank Scorpio Train at the Kwik-E-Mart 12h Cash100
Experience10
Apu
The Helium-Neon Gas Laser Is Always Greener Pt. 4 Make Hank Scorpio Become a Wall Street Robber Baron 4h Cash100
Experience10
Hank Scorpio
The Helium-Neon Gas Laser Is Always Greener Pt. 5 Make Hank Scorpio Deliver Ultimatum to G8 Nations 60m Cash200
Experience20
Hank Scorpio

Dialogue[]

The Helium-Neon Gas Laser Is Always Greener Pt. 1[]

Character Dialogue
Hank Scorpio Sad Icon.png Sometimes I wonder if the life of an international crime lord is paying off.
Hank Scorpio Sad Icon.png How different would it have been if I'd become a teacher? Or a mailman?
Hank Scorpio Thoughtful Icon.png Or is it mailperson now? Does it count if it isn't a male person that's the mailperson?
Hank Scorpio Icon.png Another mystery to ponder and now's as good a time as any.
Hank Scorpio Icon.png It'll be weeks before the contractors fix the climate control in our arctic base and we can get back to work.
Hank Scorpio Thoughtful Icon.png Another dilemma -- Fahrenheit or Celsius? Been a Fahrenheit man all my life. Is it too late to change?

The Helium-Neon Gas Laser Is Always Greener Pt. 2[]

Character Dialogue
Hank Scorpio Sad Icon.png Starting a legitimate business is more complicated than I thought.
Hank Scorpio Icon.png All these regulations, taxes, and hidden surcharges... they scramble my brain. And not the good scramble like how 5th Street Café is actually on 3rd. I don't get it, but I don't need to.
Hank Scorpio Annoyed Icon.png Maybe in the dynamic world of convenient fast food I should start at the bottom and work my way up.
Hank Scorpio Thoughtful Icon.png I wonder who I have to assassinate to get a management position?

The Helium-Neon Gas Laser Is Always Greener Pt. 3[]

Character Dialogue
Apu Icon.png Welcome to your first day at the Kwik-E-Mart, Mister Scorpio.
Hank Scorpio Pleased Icon.png It's great to be part of the Kwik-E-Mart family.
Apu Icon.png And like family you will work from eight to midnight, be responsible for cleanup, stocking, pricing, security, cleanup again, and Squishee syrup mixing. Bring your own mixing paddle.
Apu Icon.png You get one half day off every two weeks, free medical from the First-Aid kit in the back, and a full compliment of benefits.
Apu Icon.png Benefits are not complimentary. All of your salary goes to pay for them.

The Helium-Neon Gas Laser Is Always Greener Pt. 4[]

Character Dialogue
Hank Scorpio Annoyed Icon.png There are so many health and safety violations here...
Hank Scorpio Sad Icon.png I've taken Jailbird's gunfire trying to protect spicy meat snacks. They're good but not bullet in the shoulder good.
Hank Scorpio Icon.png I can't let it get me down. What I need is a job in a professional field.
Hank Scorpio Pleased Icon.png Something that puts me in touch with real people, with real hopes and dreams!

The Helium-Neon Gas Laser Is Always Greener Pt. 5[]

Character Dialogue
Hank Scorpio Sad Icon.png What have I done?! Wall Street is more horrifying than I could have imagined!
Hank Scorpio Sad Icon.png Such ruthlessness. Such heartless, selfish cruelty.
Hank Scorpio Annoyed Icon.png And that's just trying to get to the microwave in the lunch room.
Hank Scorpio Icon.png I think it's time to get back to honest, productive work where I can make a real difference in the world.