"Attention all employees." "The day after Christmas has become a major shopping day, right up there with Black Friday, Bloodbath Monday and Dystopic Nightmare Wednesday." "To get a jump on our competitors, we will be opening at midnight, December 25th. All employees will report to work at 6 PM, Christmas Day." "Have a Merry Christmas. Is that what people say? “Merry?” I don’t know, sounds weird."
"Attention all employees." "Word has reached me that many of you are unhappy to be working Christmas Day." "I am sympathetic to your concerns, and interested in discussing this with you face-to-face." "All valued employees belonging to this shadow underground of malcontents should immediately drop to the ground, face down, hands clasped behind their heads." "Remain calm as security zip-ties your wrists. Once you have been neutralized, you can trust we will have a frank discussion of your legitimate concerns."
"Attention all employees." "It has become clear that the Anti-Christmas-Work-Day faction does not intend to self-identify." "This is disappointing, as management is only trying to help." "We cannot address your grievances if we cannot detain and interrogate you." "Let us air our concerns together, sharing the names of your co-conspirators in an atmosphere of trust." "For your convenience, special agents have been placed at key checkpoints around the store. Please turn yourselves in to them at your earliest convenience." "You'll know them by their armbands and cold, dead eyes. Thank you."
"Attention all employees." "We have heard your concerns, and decided to cancel all Christmas-day shifts." "Now there's no reason for key figures in the Anti-Christmas-Work-Day Putsch not come forward." "If you would prefer to discuss your former involvement in this nefarious network amongst yourselves, please do so within three feet of one of the new flower arrangements." "These flowers have been placed wherever employees tend to congregate, and, it goes without saying, do not contain sensitive monitoring devices of any kind."
"Attention all employees." "Christmas is once again a work day. I apologize for any confusion." "The previous announcement was a feint, intended to root out the evildoers in our midst." "For your convenience, all employees will be tailed by ex-CIA operatives until December 27." "Whatever names these man once had, they respond now only to an identifying number. Please do not try to guess the number." "Their nerves are understandably frayed from years spent deep undercover in hostile territory. Do not converse with them." "Sudden movements will be perceived as a mortal threat by these men. Please move at half-speed. Crawling can only help." "See you Christmas Day, and have a wonderful holiday season."