"This spying software is great! It's like a video game except everything is in real time and I can't use donuts to speed it up." ... "Do something, you boring productive members of society!" ... "That's it, you have three seconds to do something interesting or I'll shoot!" "Three!" "Two! *BANG* "Oops, I fired early. Also, I shouldn't have fired at all."
"All-you-can-drink pumpkin spice lattes? I should have shot my computer sooner!" "Wait a minute, Super Snooper says that the blogger’s been posting from this very cafe." "Time to get up and do some good old-fashioned detective work. Eh, I’ll just scoot my chair over."
"Finally I’ve found a form of activism that doesn't require participating in 5K’s - blogging!" "And all this publishing of Springfield’s shameful misuse of public funds has actually made me lose a little finger weight. I can’t wait to buy new gloves!" "Now time to become my sexy Guy Fawkes alter ego and tear down the government. What scandal should I scan in today?" "How about the Mayor’s private jet with the name, ‘Mayor Force Fun’." "Two puns in one name?! Shameless!"
"Mr. Jefferey Albertson. How do you plead to the charges put before this court?"
"Of course you do. Everyone does. Why do I even bother asking. I think I might be bad at my job." "Thanks to budget cuts and my waning attention span, we go straight from plea to verdict! And the court finds the defendant NOT-GUILTY." "Sorry, slip of the tongue, I mean GUILTY. Man, I really AM bad at my job." "The mandatory punishment for this crime is SHAME! I sentence you to a week confined to a pillory in front of town hall."
"But I belittle kids for a living. Kids with free afternoons and access to overly ripe tomatoes!"
"Due to your girth and wrist size, we’ll have to order a new extra large pillory from Take a Chill Pill-ory." "Unfortunately, because of our over strained budgets, and the fact that such a store has never existed in the show, we don’t currently have such a store." "So you’re free to go."
"The irony. The same bureaucracy I was fighting to stop, saved me from humiliation and embarrassment. Thank you, misappropriated funds!"
"On an unrelated note, the courthouse cafeteria is closed until further notice."