"Bart, remember Sir Putt-A-Lot’s? You used to be crazy about miniature golf!"
"I’m not crazy about anything miniature. Golf, vans, pinschers -- I prefer all of them full-sized." "But I did love their LAX security. I once walked right past the guard with a shopping bag from “The Fireworks Barn”.
"Ned, I’ve been talking to Lisa and I’m concerned about Rod and Todd."
"That’s mighty neighborino-ly of you, but don’t worry!" "My boys are home-schooled and home-churched -- they never leave the bubble-wrapped walls of my house."
"Don’t you think you’re being a little overprotective? Kids need to play in the fresh air and sunshine."
"I suppose I should let the boys go out for a little to enjoy our great, green earth. After all, God spent a whole week making it."
"Exactly, sort of. Boys, why don’t you go outside and play on something safe and fun like a see-saw."
"Yay! First I’ll be closer to God, then you’ll be closer to God…"
"Then I’ll be closer to God, then you’ll be closer to God…"
"It’s a good thing you brought the boys in when you did, Ned. A few more days, and it would have been too late." *chuckles*
"What would have happened?"
"They would have been permanently and irreparably... turned into weirdoes." "You’re smothering these kids, Ned. They need to spend time with their peers.
"But other kids are so... different."
"No Ned, you’re kids are so different. They could use a dose of other-kid-ness, stat."
"Okay boys, this is it. -- your first day of public school."
"I’m scared of public school! They’re going to teach us that the Garden of Eden was the dinosaurs’ house before Adam and Eve lived there!"
"And that Christmas’s real name is Holidays."
"Now boys, just because someone teaches you something, doesn’t mean you have to learn it!" "When I took science classes as a kid, I’d just sing hymns in my head or write bible verses on the roof of my mouth with the tip of my tongue." "And I never absorbed any of that Evolution nonsense. I’m only kinda sure where babies come from."
"Here you boys go -- two Super-Colossal Squishees."
"Thank you! I wish you believed in the real god so you could sell Squishees in heaven!"
"Young man, your casual dismissal of the sacred beliefs of myself and millions of others frightens and sickens me." "So take your Frequent Squishee-Drinkers punch card and…" "Come again!"