"Another year has passed? Hot diggity! Take that, Death, my team of doctors, that fortune teller, and all sense of reason!"
"And to celebrate we're taking you someplace special."
"Last time you said that you took me to the Retirement Castle. And the time before that, you mugged me and left me in the woods."
"I left you in the woods and THEN you got mugged. But this time, we're really taking you out for real. With all that money we got from mugging you."
"So where are we going? The Gilded Truffle? El Chemistri?"
"Even better - a greasy roadside diner! Wait, did I say better? I meant much worse."
End[]
Character
Dialogue
"Look dad, it's your friend... the crazy old guy."
"Who? Jasper Beardly? Hans Moleman?"
"No, the other one. The one who isn't quite important enough to warrant having a name."
"Why! I haven't seen you around for ages. I assumed you died!"
"Technically I did... several times! But it takes more than a couple strokes to stop Ol' What's-My-Name!"
Old Gray Marriage Pt. 2[]
Character
Dialogue
"I have to admit I've been lonely ever since my wife passed on. Sometimes I just walk around in her heels and pearls."
"To keep her memory alive?"
"Sure, let's go with that."
"Why don't you move in with me? It'll cure your loneliness, and I'll have someone to wake me from my night terrors."
"Good idea! Us old fogeys gotta stick together -- we're a dying breed you know!"
Old Gray Marriage Pt. 3[]
Start[]
Character
Dialogue
"So Dad, for the rest of your birthday I thought I'd take you to the movies. Or just go to the movies myself using your senior discount and let you sit in the car."
"No can do, sonny, I've got plans tonight."
"Yeah, Abe and I are going to the drive-in. We'll see a movie AND sit in a parked car."
"We're a regular Odd Couple. He's the old, deaf one with a bad memory."
"And which are you?"
"Huh? What are you talking about?"
"I've got a pill to help rememberin'! And a pill to help spice things up in the bedroom! And a pill to help find the bedroom!"
Jobs Started[]
Character
Dialogue
"This one's to keep my heart working. This one's to keep my liver functioning. These just keep me alive. Where are all my fun pills?"
Old Gray Marriage Pt. 4[]
Character
Dialogue
"I can't find my Jammitin pills! Now I'll never be able to hold hands with a woman while sitting in separate outdoor bathtubs."
"Keep your filthy fantasies to yourself! And even if you find your pills, where will you find a woman?"
"Hey! I've got women following me around everywhere! Helping me in and out of chairs, wearing white, giving me pudding."
"Those are nurses, you idiot! And most of them are men."
"Oy, I miss having a wife -- the conversation, the living together, the helping me out of bed at night to pee."
"I do all those things."
"And then there's the tax break."
"Well, we don't have that... but maybe we could. You and I could get married!"
"What?! You mean like a gay marriage?"
"Why not! Gay guys have been fakin' straight marriages since the New Deal! We could be straight guys in a gay marriage!"
End[]
Character
Dialogue
"My dad's marrying a man? On the one hand I should be sad because my entire childhood has been a lie."
"But on the other hand, weddings mean cake!"
"I'm fine with gay marriage, but OLD gay marriage? Yuck."
Old Gray Marriage Pt. 5[]
Start[]
Character
Dialogue
"Now that we're married, I suppose one of us should be the breadwinner."
"I'm banned from the Lucky Loaves bakery/casino since they caught me counting breadsticks, so it'll have to be you."
"I guess I can dust off my old vaudeville act."
"Probably should update a few references' how old's the Lindbergh baby these days?"
"I'll be waiting here for when you come back! Gosh, it's nice to have someone to wait for other than death!"
End[]
“
Old Jewish Man can now perform his act on the Open Air Stage.
”
— In-Game Message
Old Gray Marriage Pt. 6[]
Start[]
Character
Dialogue
"These kids today are mean. The crowd pelted me with organic tomatoes. So plump and juicy, they really splat when they hit your face."
"Well, did you bring any home? We're on a fixed income."
"No but I did get the hot volunteer's phone number. She's getting slip bars installed in her hot tub."
"What! I'm starting to think you aren't taking this sham marriage seriously!"
"I can't live like this! I'm going to say something I never thought I'd say – I want a divorce cobunkulous."
"Oy, I think that last bit might have been a stroke."
End[]
Character
Dialogue
"Single and ready to…"
"zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…"
Old Gray Marriage Pt. 7[]
Start[]
Character
Dialogue
"Abe! It's been forever! How's life been treating you?"
"Can't complain! Except that I've been a little lonely. And I have what the doctors are calling super shingles."
"I'm lonely myself. Got out of a relationship recently, I think."
"Maybe we should move in together."
"Or better yet, let's get married! The tax breaks would be a real boon."
"What a great idea! I can't believe I've never thought of it before. Those savings will help pay for these bills I've been getting from a divorce lawyer."
Jobs Started[]
Character
Dialogue
"Does this sham marriage need a sham mistress?"
“
Take a look at the Community Center and find out what Jasper wants. Complete his quests to find out!
”
— In-Game Message
Geriatric Medicine[]
Character
Dialogue
"Doc, you've got to help me start some tingle in my dingle. And stop the tingle in my bladder."
"You came to the right place! We've got pills for just about everything as long as it's not life threatening and you're not poor!"
"Do you have something to stop the phantom pain in my wooden leg?"
"No but I've got some bees wax varnish that will give it a lovely shine."