Military Antiques is the common name given to the two quest chains making up the Level 30 quests. The total of 13 quests consists of 2 separate quest chains - but one is shorter and embedded within the larger one. 'Military Antiques' is the main quest chain making up 9 of the 13 quests, and the quest chain 'Customers' makes up 4 of the quests. 

Quests[edit | edit source]

Quest Requirement Time Reward
Military Antiques Pt.1 Build Herman's Military Antiques 24h Cash100
Unlock: Herman
Military Antiques Pt.2 Make Herman Run the Military Shop 8h Cash100
Customers Pt.1 Make Marge Browse Herman's Military Antiques 8h Cash100
Customers Pt. 2 Make Grampa Browse Herman's Military Antiques 8h Cash100
Customers Pt.3 Make Bart Browse Herman's Military Antiques
Make Milhouse Browse Herman's Military Antiques
Customers Pt.4 Make Fat Tony buy Blunderbusses 8h Cash100
Military Antiques Pt.3 Make Wiggum read NRA Pamphlets 24h Cash100
Military Antiques Pt.4 Make Apu Serve Time 24h Cash100
Military Antiques Pt.5 Make Marge Protest Something 24h Cash100
Military Antiques Pt.6 Make Herman Draft Battle Plans 4h Cash100
Military Antiques Pt.7 Make Herman Draft Battle Plans 4h Cash100
Military Antiques Pt.8 Make Herman Train for Battle 60m Cash100
Military Antiques Pt.9 Make Herman Stage a Coup
Make Marge Stage a Coup

Dialogue[edit | edit source]

Military Antiques Pt. 1[edit | edit source]

Character Dialogue
Marge Icon.png "Lisa, I would never criticize your town-building skills, but I've been to all these stores a zillion times. A shopper needs variety!"
Lisa Icon.png "Well, I was thinking we could rebuild Herman's shop. But I don't think you'd shop there. It sells military antiques."
Marge Icon.png "A store's a store. Build it! Build it now!"

Military Antiques Pt. 2[edit | edit source]

Character Dialogue
Herman Icon.png "They say when you go over to the other side, you come back changed."
"Unfortunately, I remain exactly the same."

Customers Pt. 1[edit | edit source]

Character Dialogue
Marge Icon.png "At least, a new store! Herman, I'd like some military antiques please."
"I'll take a box of musket balls, three "Potato masher" grenades, and a dozen bazookas."
Herman Icon.png "I didn't realize you were such a fan of antique firearms."
Marge Icon.png "Oh, I'm not. I just need to bring something to the register, and have you charge me for it. You know -- shopping!"

Customers Pt. 2[edit | edit source]

Character Dialogue
Herman Icon.png "Hey, old man! Want to buy a gun? There's no better way to protect yourself."
"After all, it's scary getting old, isn't it?"
Grampa Icon.png "You have no idea! My vision's gone, I'm always forgettin' who I am, I panic in stressful situations..."
" trigger finger itches something terrible, my aim ain't what it used be, I often mistake loved ones for dangerous intruders, I forget whether things are loaded..."
"...and above all, my time on Earth is short, and I'd love to take a few people with me when I go."
Herman Icon.png "You're the perfect gun owner! Step inside!"

Customers Pt. 3[edit | edit source]

Character Dialogue
Bart Icon.png "Hey, Milhouse, want to go check out the new gun shop in town?"
Milhouse Icon.png "Of course! After all, the NRA says it’s the safest place for kids."
Bart Icon.png "They also say us kids should sleep under a blanket made of loaded guns. You know -- for safety."
Milhouse Icon.png "I eat my cereal every morning with a gun instead of a spoon. Because more guns everywhere means safer kids. Thanks, NRA!"

Customers Pt. 4[edit | edit source]

Character Dialogue
Fat Tony Icon.png "Herman, I've grown tired of my gang’s “look.” Black suits, pistols and shoulder holsters -- it’s so 1989. We need a fresh take on the mob thing."
"Do you have any weapons that will create more “wow factor” for my associates?"
Herman Icon.png "A good blunderbuss never goes out of style. Of course, it only shoots one bullet every thirty seconds."
Fat Tony Icon.png "A small price to pay for fashion. I’ll take a hundred."

Military Antiques Pt. 3[edit | edit source]

Character Dialogue
Wiggum Icon.png "I’d like to purchase this AK-47, please. Will you need to run a background check on me?"
Herman Icon.png "Of course not. That would infringe on your Constitutional right to never be inconvenienced -- even in the tiniest, most reasonable way -- when guns are involved."
"It's all part of “Gun Buyers Are To Be Hailed As Our Worthiest Heroes” Act of 2013… sponsored by the NRA."
Wiggum Icon.png "Great! The ready availability of guns to the public makes my job as a cop safer AND easier."

Military Antiques Pt. 4[edit | edit source]

Character Dialogue
Wiggum Icon.png "Apu, give me a Squishee, beef jerky, and an advanced assault rifle-type weapons platform with integrated laser range finder and grenade launcher."
"Something experimental like Tony Stark wishes he had."
Apu Icon.png "We don't stock guns, you overweight imbecile."
Wiggum Icon.png "You do realize it’s now illegal to operate a store that doesn't sell firearms?"
"It’s all part of the “How Else May We Serve, Oh Wise and Powerful NRA?” Act. You’re going to jail!"

Military Antiques Pt. 5[edit | edit source]

Character Dialogue
Marge Icon.png "Why are all of Springfield’s stores shutting down! There’s nowhere to shop!"
Wiggum Icon.png "Sorry Marge, that’s the law. I have to defend the people’s right to buy guns whenever the whim strikes them."
Marge Icon.png "What about MY Constitutional rights to a decent downtown, fun window shopping, and jeans at a variety of price points?"
Wiggum Icon.png "Those aren't rights! Or are they? Who can say! That’s the funny thing about the law -- you never have the slightest clue what it is."
Marge Icon.png "Well, I'm taking my message to the people!"

Military Antiques Pt. 6[edit | edit source]

Character Dialogue
Marge Icon.png "We need to organize to protest these terrible laws that our shutting down our God-given stores. Herman, are you in?"
Herman Icon.png "That’s affirmative. It’s time we took our government back."
Marge Icon.png "That’s what democracy is all about, right?"
Herman Icon.png "Right. Now let’s mount an armed frontal assault on City Hall. Democracy-style."
Marge Icon.png "Uh... come again?"

Military Antiques Pt. 7[edit | edit source]

Character Dialogue
Herman Icon.png "The battle plans are ready, Marge. You say the word, and we take back City Hall!"
Marge Icon.png "Geez, I'm reading over these plans, and there’s an awful lot of shooting and yelling and reconnoitering. It all sounds very violent."
Herman Icon.png "To the lay person, it probably does. But when you’re staging a blood-drenched coup, violence really helps keep up morale."
"It’s something the whole battalion can have fun doing together."
Marge Icon.png "Why not lose a pincer movement or two, and let’s see if we can overthrow the state without all the fisticuffs?"

Military Antiques Pt. 8[edit | edit source]

Character Dialogue
Herman Icon.png "The new battle plans are drawn. If all goes according to plan, not a single shot will be fired."
"But be warned: there WILL be mild swearing, intermittent sneaking around, and a post-operation cleanup where everybody --"
"and I mean EVERYBODY -- pitches in, leaving City Hall just as tidy as they found it."
"If that sounds like more than you can stomach, best stay home, soldier!"
Marge Icon.png "Much better. Let’s prepare for “battle!”

Military Antiques Pt. 9[edit | edit source]

Start[edit | edit source]

Character Dialogue
Herman Icon.png "Attack City Hall! Storm the gates!"
Marge Icon.png "Wipe your feet on the mat before entering! Pause to admire the mural in the lobby -- it’s from the 1920s!"
"And remember to be nice to the receptionists! They have a hard job!"
Herman Icon.png "We’re doing it, Marge! We’re taking back our government."
Marge Icon.png "Shhh! No shouting inside City Hall. People are trying to work. Attack quietly or not at all!"

End[edit | edit source]

Character Dialogue
Quimby Icon.png "What is the meaning of this? Who is this rabble sitting patiently in my waiting area?"
Herman Icon.png "It’s a coup. We’re tired of government walking all over the people, so we’re taking back City Hall!"
Marge Icon.png "We’re not going put up with limited shopping options, crazy pro-gun laws, a mob armed with blunderbusses, thinly-premised Wolfcastle films, and... and..."
"What exactly ARE we trying to accomplish?"
Herman Icon.png "Honestly, I've forgotten."
Marge Icon.png "I guess this whole story didn't make much sense. You know, we never thought anyone would play long enough to get to level 30."
Homer Icon.png "Guys, maybe this is a good thing. A real wake up call for everyone involved with this game."
"I mean, come on. Herman? THAT’S the best character we have to add? No offense, Herm."
Herman Icon.png "Even I know it’s true."
Homer Icon.png "Let’s get back to the drawing board, and get to work on a level 31 that’ll really knock everyone’s socks off!"
Wiggum Icon.png "Sorry about level 30, guys. If you promise not to gripe to EA too much, everybody can have three donuts."

Trivia[edit | edit source]

  • This quest chain was very controverstorial as there are references to the NRA (National Rifle Assosiation).
Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.