"Wait, don't tell me! I totally know you -- you're Lisa's boyfriend, or girlfriend, or something. Uhhh... Martin?"
"No, close though."
"Okay, think, Homer. Not Nelson, because he's cool. God, I wish I was Nelson. Okay gotta focus... close to Martin... Comic Book Guy?"
"That's not a good guess at all."
"Principal Skinner? Duffman? Lard Lad? The Kwik-E-Mart?"
"My last name is Van Houten."
... "Are you sure I know you?"
"Hey Homer! Whatcha doin'?"
"Just messing with Milhouse to cheer him up. He seemed kind of down."
"Sorry to hear that. What's up, kid? Did future Lisa future divorce future you again?"
"No, field day is coming up at school and I've already got a closet full of last-place trophies in one of those. I don't know what to do."
"You could rent a storage unit!"
"Yeah, I bet you could fit a crapload of last-plcace trophies in one of those."
"It's fun solving people's problems!"
"I think Milhouse actually wants to NOT lose."
"Oh, like win? That's super-hard."
"I'd seriously give the storage unit some thought."
"Come on, guys - let's help him win!"
"Do you guys actually now anything about fitness?"
"I know "feel the burn" is a thing. And there's something called cardio, which is either good or bad. Also electrolytes, maybe?"
"Listen to Professor Jack Lalanne over here!"
"Maybe I should just look up fitness on the internet."
"The internet. It's where I learned about the civil war, dinosaurs, my parent's divorce, my parents getting back together..." "...the tidal wave approaching Springfield, the assassination of Trotsky---"
"They assassinated Trotsky?!"
"There were dinosaurs?!"
"I'm gonna go do an internet search for "rock-hard male bodies.""
"Just make sure safe search is one with that one."
"This outfit is great! It’s like I got a little fitter just putting it on!" "Now for those important part of getting in shape… choosing a sports drink."
"YARR! How about a salty treat from the deep to quench that thirst? Allow me to introduce… "Captain McCallister’s very own Obesotade!"
"Who’s Captain McAllister"
"That’s me. Sea Captain, Captain McAllister. Same thing. Same guy."
"I’ve never heard anyone call you Captain McAllister."
"You’re not making this into something it’s not. My last name is McAllister — Captain McAllister, who is a sea captain." "I sell a product. It’s effective. You should buy some."
"Okay, tell me more, Mister McAllister"
"Not Mister, Captain. Mine is the only brine-based sports drink scientifically guaranteed to make you lose weight be peeing out more water than you take in."
"Even as a naive ten-year old, I question that as a fitness strategy."
"And how many whales have you killed?" "Shiver me timbers, that’s two more than me." "Listen my lad, the only question you need to ask yourself is which color you’d prefer. Will it be goat-urine yellow or rigor-mortis blue?"
"If you promise to go away afterwards, I’ll take a gallon of both. And here’s my credit card."
"Ah yes, Todd Flanders. I sold a barrel of grog to your father Ned just yesterday." "He’s fatter and balder than I remember, but aren't we all."