"America, it is, I, McBain. I have returned to give you the laughs and other spasms of the body." "Vhoop! Vhoop! Let us get silly! Let us all get silly!" "I have broken the bones of many evil criminals. But the only bones I vant to break now are your funny bones. And not with fists, but with humors." "Ever notice how you are alive because I allow you to be alive. For you are nothing vithout McBain to protect you!" "That's the joke."
McBain, Scene 1: Vengence, Thy Name Is McBain
"SKOWIE! They killed my band leader Skowie! And I know who they is. Mendoza."
"Senator Mendoza? He has, er, many powerful friends because he is, um, so corrupt." "Which is not necessarily a bad thing in all cases, but is bad in this, erm, specific one."
"I note your concern, Mayor, but I am a loose cannon." "And this cannon smells trouble at the race track. There I'll find Mendoza's cronies and make them talk."
"I can be very persuasive. Because I threaten injury by physical violence."
McBain, Scene 2: Master Of The Disguise
"Dear lord! You…your hands are covered in blood."
"I guess you could say those cronies at the track have gone to the dogs."
"What? How is that a reply to what I said? You need to clean yourself up, young man."
"No time, old lady. I must take to the streets to track Mendoza vhile the trail is hot. First, to blend in. So I may gain the element of SURPRISE!"
McBain, Scene 3: Big Explosion
"It is vorse than I thought. the Commie-Nazis are trying to take over the power plant to fuel their army of Murder Bots to destroy the President’s daughter." "Only one man can stop them, and his name is ME! But you can call him McBain!"
"Foreign Commie-Nazis menace, prepare for doom. For as an American. I vow America vill vin!"
McBain, Scene 4: Bad Cop, Bad Cop
"McBain, this is the last time! You didn’t get a single arrest warrant for any of those Commie-Nazis." "I know you’re a loose cannon, but you can’t also play by your own rules!"
"I just saved America, Chief. Vhat did you do today?"
"What I’m doing is suspending you? I want your badge on my desk right now!"
"This is just a piece of metal, Chief. My true badge is justice."
"You’re the best cop there is, McBain. And the worst cop there is. BADGE. DESK. NOW."
McBain, Scene 5: Undercover Showdown
"Mendoza, you made this personal vhen you did something that affected me. Skowie vas not just my band leader. He vas…my friend."
"Justice is blind. So it is good that I can see you in my crosshairs."
"I'm telling you, McBain. Mendoza was shot, stabbed, bitten, nurpled, fired at by a tank, fired from a tank, and strapped to a bomb and dropped into Springfield gorge." "There’s no way, heh heh, he survived."
"Ve shall see Doctor. Ve shall see after the vorldvide grosses come in, and ve know about a sequel."
"And…CUT! That’s a wrap everyone. Great work, Rainier."
"Thank you. I think ve are finally making a McBain movie people vill vant to see. Also, who cares? I vas paid already."