The Kearney quests are a series of quests featuring Kearney Zzyzwicz. These quests requires the Brown House, Bart's Tree House, Van Houten House, Muntz House, Moe's Tavern to be built.

Quests[edit | edit source]

Quest Requirements Time Reward
A Victimless Crime Make Bart Shoplift from the Kwik-E-Mart
Make Milhouse Shoplift from the Kwik-E-Mart
Bullies On Parade Make Kearney Dance a Jig
Make Nelson Shake Down Kids For Lunch Money
Parental Priorities Make Kearney Take Son for the Night 24h Cash100
Breaking the Slaw Make Kearney Dump Spoiled Coleslaw in Van Houten House 10m Cash100
Just How Old Are You Make Kearney Use Fake ID at Moe's 8h Cash200

Trivia[edit | edit source]

  • Some quest names are parodies of song titles by metal bands and are very angry in correlation with Kearney's personality:
    • Bullies On Parade is a parody of Rage Against the Machine's song titled Bulls on Parade.
    • Breaking the Slaw is a parody of Judas Priest's song titled Breaking the Law.

Dialogue[edit | edit source]

A Victimless Crime[edit | edit source]

Character Dialogue
Kearney Icon.png Hey, Simpson! Gimme your lunch money or I'll break every bone in your body!
Bart Icon.png Sorry, I spent all my cash on houses and decorations.
Kearney Icon.png But I'm hungry... and mean. Maybe you and your friend could steal me some food from the Kwik-E-Mart.
Milhouse Icon.png But... stealing is stealing!
Kearney Icon.png Like it says in the Bible: "it's only stealing if you get caught."

Bullies On Parade[edit | edit source]

Character Dialogue
Kearney Icon.png Nelson! How come you're spending so much extra time at school? Have you gone soft?
Nelson Icon.png Sadly, even if I WANTED to go soft, I've forgotten how. It's the price of bully-dom.
Kearney Icon.png Good! Let's get down to business!
Kearney Icon.png Since you've already got detention into the next millenium, there's no point me getting my hands dirty.
Kearney Icon.png I'll create a diversion while you beat some lunch money out of geeks!

Parental Priorities[edit | edit source]

Character Dialogue
Kearney Icon.png Simpson, you're all right! You remind me of my son -- he's just about your age!‎

Breaking the Slaw[edit | edit source]

Character Dialogue
Kearney Icon.png Hey Bart! I found a bunch of rancid coleslaw in the dumpster behind Krusty Burger. Let's go heave it at that dweeb Milhouse's house!
Bart Sad Icon.png But Milhouse is my friend.
Kearney Icon.png So? We bullies trash each other's stuff all the time. Wait -- do nice people have a different understanding of friendship than us super-jerks?

Just How Old Are You[edit | edit source]

Character Dialogue
Kearney Icon.png Bullying is no picnic. Some days, I almost wish I was a weakling. It'd be nice to let somebody else do the pummeling for a change, you know? Man, I need a drink.
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