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The Kearney quests are a series of quests featuring Kearney Zzyzwicz. These quests requires the Brown House, Bart's Tree House, Van Houten House, Muntz House, Moe's Tavern to be built.

Quests Edit

Quest Requirements Time Reward
A Victimless Crime Make Bart Shoplift from the Kwik-E-Mart
Make Milhouse Shoplift from the Kwik-E-Mart
30m
30m
Cash100
XP10
Bullies On Parade Make Kearney Dance a Jig
Make Nelson Shake Down Kids For Lunch Money
4h
4h
Cash100
XP10
Parental Priorities Make Kearney Take Son for the Night 24h Cash100
XP10
Breaking the Slaw Make Kearney Dump Spoiled Coleslaw in Van Houten House 10m Cash100
XP10
Just How Old Are You Make Kearney Use Fake ID at Moe's 8h Cash200
XP20

Trivia Edit

  • Some quest names are parodies of song titles by metal bands and are very angry in correlation with Kearney's personality:
    • Bullies On Parade is a parody of Rage Against the Machine's song titled Bulls on Parade.
    • Breaking the Slaw is a parody of Judas Priest's song titled Breaking the Law.

Dialogue Edit

A Victimless Crime Edit

Character Dialogue
Kearney Icon Hey, Simpson! Gimme your lunch money or I'll break every bone in your body!
Bart Icon Sorry, I spent all my cash on houses and decorations.
Kearney Icon But I'm hungry... and mean. Maybe you and your friend could steal me some food from the Kwik-E-Mart.
Milhouse Icon But... stealing is stealing!
Kearney Icon Like it says in the Bible: "it's only stealing if you get caught."

Bullies On Parade Edit

Character Dialogue
Kearney Icon Nelson! How come you're spending so much extra time at school? Have you gone soft?
Nelson Icon Sadly, even if I WANTED to go soft, I've forgotten how. It's the price of bully-dom.
Kearney Icon Good! Let's get down to business!
Kearney Icon Since you've already got detention into the next millenium, there's no point me getting my hands dirty.
Kearney Icon I'll create a diversion while you beat some lunch money out of geeks!

Parental Priorities Edit

Character Dialogue
Kearney Icon Simpson, you're all right! You remind me of my son -- he's just about your age!‎

Breaking the Slaw Edit

Character Dialogue
Kearney Icon Hey Bart! I found a bunch of rancid coleslaw in the dumpster behind Krusty Burger. Let's go heave it at that dweeb Milhouse's house!
Bart Icon But Milhouse is my friend.
Kearney Icon So? We bullies trash each other's stuff all the time. Wait -- do nice people have a different understanding of friendship than us super-jerks?

Just How Old Are YouEdit

Character Dialogue
Kearney Icon Bullying is no picnic. Some days, I almost wish I was a weakling. It'd be nice to let somebody else do the pummeling for a change, you know? Man, I need a drink.
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