"I miss the old Springfield." "Where’s the black market Vicodin? Where’s the underground kangaroo fight club? I need my ‘roo fights!" "Sure, I’m making lots of money. But that gets boring without morally reprehensible things to spend it on."
"Krusty, if you’re jaded about being rich, there’s only on solution to your spiritual crisis – get even richer."
"Yeah, then I can buy a private island. And attach rockets to it, and blast it into space. Ah, Space Island."
"What you need is to start making new Itchy & Scratchys."
"But we’ve already got hundreds of them. And the characters don’t change or age. What innovative stories could any writer wring out of those characters?"
"From what I can tell, none." "But it doesn’t matter. No one needs to watch the new episodes." "They just need to know they’re being made and remember the old ones fondly…and voila, the brand is still relevant!" "Then you can start merchandising t-shirts and action figures, slot machines and beer… maybe even develop a freemium game!"
"Would the game have to be good?"
"Not at all. Just rebuild Itchy & Scratchy Studios. I promise you’ll be slurping up cash pronto from the sweet IP!"
"Well, Roger, I've given you and your staff 12 hours, give or take the use of donuts." "That should be more than enough time for them to come up with a billion dollar franchise."
"I'm sorry, Krusty. I went into the studio, and found everyone who worked for me is gone. And by gone, I mean is now a skeleton." "There's a lesson here: if you chain your writers to their chairs, make sure those chairs are within arms' reach of the breakroom."
"Wait. Then what have you been doing all this time?"
"Caught up with my email. Your inbox really fills up when you haven't been in existence for a while."
"Oh, even more money! You were going to heal me! Now how will I ever end the numbness I feel for life?"
"Hey Roger Liars, which I say since Liars rhymes with your last name Myers. What's this I just read on Deadline Springfield?"
"Look whose tears have dried. My good pal--"
"Don't you “good pal” me! You're gonna make millions showing Itchy & Scratchy on the World Wide Whatever! And you cut me out of the deal?!"
"In our last contract, you never asked for a share of new media sales. It's not my fault we signed that when the internet didn't exist."
"You backstabbing son of a backstabber!" "If it's an option in my menu, I will make it my mission to have you stored back in the inventory."
"People don't watch television anymore, Krusty." "They receive content through smartphones, computers, tablets, and direct-to-brain downloads."
"So now some company will pay us handsomely for the opportunity to provide the entire Itchy & Scratchy catalog via cable and internet doohickeys." "That's how to wring the last remaining drops of cash out of an aging cartoon franchise."
"But you told me IP something something blah blah?"
"I just said that to trick you into bringing back Roger. Face it, Krusty. You got Blue-Haired Lawyered."
"Look at all these tech weirdos and inter-dorks here to build the Itchy & Scratchy website." "Finally, I've got a staff to demean and humiliate. What am I supposed to yell at them to do again?"
"They're creating an advertising supported web portal." "It's basically a Hulu devoted solely to Itchy & Scratchy where all the episodes ever produced can be viewed."
"Do whatever the lawyer just said! And do it faster! Or I'll pull out your throats and choke you with your own windpipes!" "Make a note of that visual. We could make a whole story out of it for the cat. Or the mouse. Whichever one does the violence."
"Lis, look outside and tell me if the world blew up!"
"It's still here. The world is unlikely to end by explosion though." "The true danger is inattention and neglect as we use up our natural resources. I have seen the asteroid, and it is us."
"You're as fun as ever, sis. But now we have a real problem!" "Itchy & Scratchy was pulled from Krusty's show! This is going to make wasting time watching TV pointless."
"As the super rich get super richer, the rest of us have to accept the rules they give us. That's how the modern economy works." "By the way, if you're smart and powerless, it's way cooler to give up and act jaded. I read that in The Economist For Kidz."
"This is unacceptable. What's the point of being kids if we can't fix problems with pluck, spunk, and …how do we fix this?"
"Well, we could round up all the kids in town and write complaint letters to Roger Myers Jr." "This could be our civil rights movement, but instead of being about freedom from social persecution, it's about freedom to watch TV. Because freedom is now a meaningless word."
"Write letters? Would we have to use cursive? This seems too hard. Can't we just email photos of our butts?"
"Anyone or any spambot can shoot off an email. But people willing to write letters, they're crazy enough to be dangerous."
"Nothing better to do after the completion of a lifetime of work than proclaim some exposition." "The Itchy & Scratchy website is ready to launch. I can finally relax." "Think I'll treat myself by making my clothes stink of tobacco."
"Wait, if all my work is done, who am I going to yell at? There's too much risk of reprisal with waiters and concierges." "I can try yelling at my cigar. Cigar, you better not give me mouth cancer!" "Oh no, this isn't working -- it's just defiantly blowing smoke in my face."