Honest Abe

Honest Abe is a quest from the 4th July 2013 Event featuring Abraham Lincoln.

QuestsEdit

Quest	Requirements	Time
Honest Abe Pt. 1	Make Abraham Lincoln Split Rails	8h
Honest Abe Pt. 2	Make Abraham Lincoln Split Rails	8h
Honest Abe Pt. 3	Make Abraham Lincoln Feel Paranoid	8h
Honest Abe Pt. 4	Make Abraham Lincoln Feel Paranoid	8h
Honest Abe Pt. 5	Build Springfield Library Make Abraham Lincoln Research Abraham Lincolns Fate	24h 24h
Honest Abe Pt. 6	Build Jake's Unisex Hair Palace Make Abraham Lincoln Get a Beard Trim	24h 60m
Honest Abe Pt. 7	Make Abraham Lincoln Coach the Springfield Elementary Debate Team	12h
Honest Abe Pt. 8	Make Lincoln Run For It!	12h
Honest Abe Pt. 9	Make Abraham Lincoln Attempt to Blend In	24h
Honest Abe Pt. 10	Make Abraham Lincoln Split Rails	8h

Character	Dialogue
	"Four scores and seven years ago, our forefathers---" "WHAT THE? WHERE DID GETTYSBURG GO? WHAT LAND IS THIS AND WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BLUE HOUSES?"
	"Good glaven, it's Abraham Lincoln!" "The cashing-in of so many expensive donuts must have opened a wormhole to the past, ensnaring our sixteenth President!"
	"By Jingo, my good nerd! Are you talking about t-t-t-t...time travel?"
	"I am. Tell me –- in your own time period, have you ever had contact with the ancestors of the Simpsons?"
	"He did once. It was only a few lines of dialog, though. It's kind of hard to see how that justifies him appearing here."
	"It does seem odd. Odd and desperate!"
	"This is a lot to digest. I need to relax, by doing the funnest, most rewarding activity in the world..."

Character	Dialogue
	"Mr. Lincoln, did you know that our country now has its first African-American president? Pretty amazing, huh?"
	"Well, it took long enough. I would've thought it'd happen by 1920. 1930 at the latest."
	"Well, there were some setbacks along the way..."
	"No, no! You all go right on patting yourselves on the back for being a bit less racist after 150 years. Well done. Seriously, you guys rock."
	"Uh... hey look! Over there! Unsplit rails!"
	"Unsplit rails? Let me at 'em!"

Character	Dialogue
	"So when do I get to go back to my own time?"
	"Soon. I just need to de-gloiven the hoyvenmaven, then it's a simple matter of breaking every law of the physical universe, and pressing this big red button."
	"Excellent. Really looking forward to finishing up the Civil War, serving my term in office, then enjoying a long retirement."
	...
	"What? What did I say? Why are you looking at me all weird?"

Character	Dialogue
	"How come every time I mention how much I'm looking forward to retiring, starting an alpaca farm and living to a ripe old age, people get awkward and change the subject?"
	"So... how IS the weather in D.C. this time of year?"
	"Now you're doing it! Why? Are alpacas not a sound investment?" "You can be honest -- I'm not married to the idea. It just seemed like a fun way to pass my many, many Golden Years."
	...

Character	Dialogue
	"Okay, something terrible happens to me sometime after I go back to 1865. What is it?"
	"Uh... I don't think I'm allowed to tell you."
	"Then I’ll use your public library to find the answer for myself!"

Character	Dialogue
	"Unbelievable! Your library stocks nothing but romance novels and books of something called "Sudoku"."
	"That’s all anyone reads anymore"
	"Kid, you gotta tell me what happens to me. Am I in danger? Do I die or something? Because I will do literally ANYTHING to prevent that." "Nothing is more precious to me than my life. I would gladly let the South win the war if it meant five seconds more of precious, precious living for Honest Abe." "History remembers what a huge coward I was, right?"
	"Uh... no. We have a pretty high opinion of you"
	"Great. Listen, I'm gonna get this beard trimmed. While I do, I suggest you seriously reconsider telling me the truth!"

Character	Dialogue
	"Mr.Lincoln I’ll make a deal." "I’ll tell you what happens to you if, as one of historys greatest debaters, you give a few pointers to Springfield Elementarys Debate Team."
	"Sure. Make your President jump through hoops before you answer a simple question. How patriotic of you."
	"I'm precocious. Its not a crime."
	"Well, when I get back I'm gonna MAKE it one. Well call it the Lisa Simpson Amendment."

Character	Dialogue
	"Okay, Mr. Lincoln -- a deals a deal. Here's what happens to you. On the night of April 14, 1865..."
	"You know what? If what I've seen of Springfield is typical of the rest of America in 2013, let some other sucker preserve this crappy Union. I'm staying here."
	"I'm afraid we cant let you do that, Mr. President."
	"Yeah, well good luck catching me. Lincoln away!"

Character	Dialogue
	"Man, that Lincoln guy is fast! Did you see where he went, pal?"
	"Uh, no! By my top hat, mustache-less beard and frock coat, I haven't seen anyone matching the description of this Abraham Lincoln."
	"Hey, you're the him I was talking about!"
	"Drat! I need to modernize my look!"

Character	Dialogue
	"Good day, kind sir. I wish to purchase a beverage from your fine establishment."
	"I have never encountered such a polite customer. I can only assume there is something deeply wrong with you. Please do not kill me."
	"You've got it all wrong! I'm just an average American from this time period. Like everybody, I enjoy man caves, candy and debilitating laziness."
	"Wait! I know you! You are the man from the Take-a-Penny-Leave-a-Penny tray!"
	"I must remember to be as rude and boorish as the rest of these horrible people"

Character	Dialogue
	"If it isn't my boyhood pal, Abraham! Fancy meeting you here!"
	"Hiya, Monty. Could you keep your voice down? I'm kind of lying low."
	"Of course. Say, didn't something happen with you at a theater a few years back? I thought I heard that."
	"No, I'm fine now. Listen, do you think I could hole up at your place for a few years? Just until the heat dies down."
	"I suppose that could be arranged. If someone were to take an interest in the large pile of unsplit rail in my backyard."
	"It’s a deal!"