"Someone paid good money just to torture me with poverty?" "Well, I know who it must be! Only one soul has ever been so hate-fueled, bile-filled, and vile-stuffed." "That secret Midget Little Vicki!"
"Little Vicki Valentine, Hollywood's little princess?" "The talented star of sixty-one films and TV shows, and countless Broadway plays because the internet won't count them for me?"
"That's the flapper." "In 1963, I crashed some snooty awards party. All I wanted was a shrimp cocktail. So I get in line for one, right behind Little Vicki." "As we get to the front, I notice there are only two glasses of shrimp left." "Just as I'm about to get mine, Little Vicki takes them both! Says one's for a friend." "If your friend wants an s-cocktail, your friend should wait in line for an s-cocktail!" "A haughty sheba who snatches shrimp out of the little guys' mouths, those people are the true scum of the earth." "I've got to warn Springfield. For evil has arrived."
"I think I finally figured out why I'm back in Springfield, little girl. It's not for money or respect. It's for…" "REVENGE!"
"Mr. Lampwick, I'm still not sure your crusade against Little Vicki is the best pursuit." "She's one of America's finest actresses, and the first ever winner of the Kiddie Academy Awards!" "I know all about her award record. If you ask me, she lied about her age!" "She kept saying, "I'm the youngest actress to ever win an award, and now I am about to get my star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame!"
"Ever check her teeth? Never once did her fake baby teeth ever fall out!" "Or that curly hair of hers... a wig, I tell ya! She had me thrown out of the party when I attempted to yank that mop off!" "Like I'm telling ya, an awful human being. I saw her clean the earwax out of her ears using her house keys. Disgusting." "Now Dame Judith Underdunk, she was a celebrity with class." "Would remember your name, your birthday, and even bake you a cake. Had a handshake like George Washington's."
"The Springfield Library keeps thorough entertainment news records. We can check to verify your story…"
"And I can take a bath in their sink and dry myself on some useless, old books. Public libraries—the Hobo's Hilton."
"Springfield, we must protect ourselves from the forces of Little Vicki! Discard all signs of the Queen of Babylon!"
"Sir, don't damage those DVDs of Little Vicki for President." "If I mark the price down any lower, I will have to pay people to take them. And even then they will say, “Little Vicki for President? Ugh.”
"We must cease worshiping her, and free ourselves from her narrative tyranny!" "She can no longer control us, forcing us to engage in silly behavior for her amusement!"
"Mr. Lampwick! Mr. Lampwick! My research uncovered something you should know about your reason for existing."
"Is it how to create a Little Vicki-proof barrier around any home or shanty town?"
"You said Little Vicki was getting her star on the Walk of Fame. But she got her star in 1960, not 1963." "Also, the Walk of Fame parties only served shrimp cocktail in 1964..." "The same year Dame Judith Underdunk got her star on the walk!" "I believe the evil curly haired woman who took your shrimp was not Little Vicki, but in fact the Dame Judith Underdunk!"
"So… everything I believe in is a lie?"
"Isn't that great?!"
"Oh. Only now do I realize how that might not be so great..." "...and that's beside the fact that I helped put her in prison!"
"Guess I'll never know why I got saddled with this bum's life. Fate or chance or Little Vicki, I gotta make the best of it." "There's no point in trying to anticipate the answers to why we're here." "The essence of life is its mystery, and only when we accept that can we focus on living."
"Samuel Beckett was right. Hobos do possess a deeper insight." "I know the perfect job for you, if you're willing to work for free cafeteria food."