Fair-Weather Father
Release Date
February 14, 2020
Fair-Weather Father was a limited-time questline released on February 14, 2020, as Carl's part of the main questline to the Black History 2020 Event . It was preceded by the quest introduction No Laughing Matter .
Quests [ ] Dialogue [ ] Fair-Weather Father Pt. 1 [ ] Start [ ]
Character
Dialogue
Bart, you want to do your Black History Month report on me? But why?
You're the black person I most admire.
Really?
Totally! You've saved my dad's life a million times by turning him on his side when he was passed out.
Are you sure there isn't someone you admire more? Thurgood Marshall? Nelson Mandela? The cool bad guy from Black Panther?
Those guys are great, but I don't want to research. So let's do this thing already! I'm brokering a fireworks deal with Nelson in half an hour.
Eh, why not? But I can't tell the story of my life without talking about the guy who got me here.
My deadbeat dad, Carl Sr. The spelunker, excavator, and hyper-capitalist founder of the Carl's Dad Caverns.
End [ ]
Character
Dialogue
No hugs, no games of catch, and he never once took me to a father-son dance.
*sniff* Lucky for me I was adopted by an Icelandic family that showed me what true love is.
Because all Carl Sr. cared about was making a buck off those dusty old caverns.
Wow. Your dad sounds a lot like that rich old jerk from There Will Be Blood.
Aren't you a little young for that movie?
Eh, I got suckered in by the title.
Me too. They should've called it There Will Eventually Be Blood After Two and a Half Hours.
You wanna watch it again on my phone?
Hell yeah.
Fair-Weather Father Pt. 2 [ ] Start [ ]
Character
Dialogue
Haha. "I'm finished!" He sure was finished! Finished beatin' that priest to death! Hey, what's wrong?
*sigh* That complex epic about greed and the monsters it makes of men has got me thinking about my dad and his cavern. I avoided that place for years.
So you haven't been back since you were a kid?
Oh, I went back alright. About five or six years ago...
Is this another flashback? Cuz I've got this fireworks thing with Nelson...
All Characters Sent on Tasks [ ]
Character
Dialogue
Go to the caverns. Find your purpose.
Hey Moe, I think that radon leak is back!
Nah. The canary's still alive. See, he's pecking at that dead mouse in his cage.
Go to the caverns. Find your purpose.
End [ ]
Character
Dialogue
Hey fellas, when's the last time you went down to the caverns?
They closed 'em down after that stalagmite shish kabob'd those Amish kids on their Rumspringa, remember?
Yeah, it's been boarded up ever since.
Hmm. Maybe I should go down there.
No doy. That's what I've been saying this whole time.
Fair-Weather Father Pt. 3 [ ] Start [ ]
Character
Dialogue
Guys! I went down to the boarded-up caverns because the voice of God told me to, and guess what I found!
A leprechaun? A unicorn? *whispers* Barney, get the extra large butterfly net.
No! Radioactive waste! Burns must have been dumping it in there for years.
If the town doesn't do something soon, it's gonna leak into the water supply and kill us all!
Suuuure. Kill us all. *whispers* Barney, where the hell is that net?
Mr. Burns runs this town. He controls the TV, radio, internet, and the Springfield Tumblr page! He's not gonna let you get your message out.
If the town won't listen to me, I just have to find someone whose voice can't be silenced. Like beloved former president Barack Obama!
End [ ]
Character
Dialogue
Well, former president Barack Obama never returned any of my emails, the jerk.
But I did manage to find the next best thing! A bunch of school kids dressed as President Obama!
Wow! You got your message out and saved the town, Carl! You're a hero!
Naw, I'm no hero. I'm just a humble guy trying to do the right thing.
Hey, Carl. Talk show host Opal is on the phone, and she wants you to be on her Salute to Heroes episode!
You hear that, you chumps? I'm a hero!!!
Fair-Weather Father Pt. 4 [ ] Start [ ]
Character
Dialogue
Carl Carlsson. I came out of retirement/exile just to do an episode on you and your amazing story.
It's gone viral and gotten the attention of the entire nation.
Wow. That's a whole nation more than I was expecting.
So what in the world made you go down into those caverns, C.C.?
You're not gonna believe this, but it was a mission from God.
Excuse my language but this all sounds like a bunch of hoopla to me!
Ooh, a fight! I always wanted to do this kind of talk show!
Characters Sent on Tasks [ ]
Character
Dialogue
What would God want with a beer-belching barfly like you?
Look Flanders, I didn't ask for this. I was just minding my own business and the voice of God rained down from above.
Well, something else is about to rain down on you... my fists!
Mr. Flanders, no! Do it after these words from our sponsors!
End [ ]
Character
Dialogue
Ned, stop attacking that man! I came to him with this mission for a reason. To heal the deep psychic wounds left by his dad's absence.
Well, that does sound like something you'd do. But why not come to me?
Frankly, you can be annoying. With the constant prayers, and the check-ins, and the asking about your wives. It piles up like junk mail up here.
Oh my God. I mean, Oh my You. I was being so selfish. I'm sorry Lord. And I'm sorry Carl.
Jesus Christ, this is good television.
Uh, I'm here too. Or does no one care about that?
We'll fit you in the third segment, J.C. I'll bump Lisa Kudrow.
Fair-Weather Father Pt. 4 [ ] Start [ ]
Character
Dialogue
Carl, thank you for passing on my message. If it hadn't been for you, Springfield and possibly the world would have been destroyed.
No problem, God. I'm just glad I could do something noteworthy like my dad.
That greedy butthead? He just found a hole in the ground that I made, and over-charged people to see it.
You were the real miracle he should have tended to.
Aw. Thanks, Dad - I mean God. God! I'm sorry, did I make it weird? I made it weird, didn't I?
It's okay though, I suppose I'm sort of everyone's dad. And their mom too. Gender's kind of an Earth construct.
End [ ]
Character
Dialogue
So because of me, the town was saved from total destruction. And I got to play catch with God!
Wow. What a story! All of it's gonna go right in my history report. *whispers* Nelson, go get my extra large butterfly net.
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