"Tom, I wanted to take a picture of all your eco-friendly green dye-usage for my blog." "Perhaps this exciting development will push my readership into the single digits!" "Now why don’t you move all this red stuff and shoe me the green."
"Oh My Blarney Stones! I’ve done it again! I must confess my deepest secret – I’m red/green color-blind." "This is worse than when I accidentally joined the sinister Communist Party thinking it was the benevolent IRA!"
"Color-blindness is not that big of a deal."
"It is if you’re Irish! I once pinched Kermit the Frog on St. Patrick’s Day. I’m a MONSTER!"
"Luckily you’re the only Irishman in this game, so you’re safe."
"Leprechaun spies are everywhere! Whether you sprung for the premium character or not." "Oh Little Lisa, would you be willing to help one more fully grown man with his problems?"
"This eco-friendly dye just isn’t strong enough to counteract the red."
"I’m a sorry excuse for an Irishman. I don’t even use Irish Spring. I use Lever 2000!" "Come St. Patrick’s Day, I’m going to have an angry mob kicking down my door wanting their beer to be an unnatural shade of green, not an all-natural shade of red." "And if they don’t, then they’ll want my blood. My emerald green blood."
"Not that too!"
"I can fix this! This is why I played with chemistry sets while all the other kids were off playing tag and red light/green light."
"I’m ruined! Is it too late to rebrand myself in time for Chinese New Year?"
"If only you could take credit for our green river, but everyone knows that’s just because of the toxic nuclear runoff."
"Toxic nuclear runoff? That sounds way more powerful than eco-friendly green dye."
"But all my morals! My self-righteous indignation! I couldn't!"
"But if I lose my bar, the Irish will turn my story into a limerick for sure. And they've gotten so uncomfortable dirty."
"Let down a kindly old man or hurt the environment? These types of moral questions are only fun in the abstract!" "We can use nuclear runoff to dye the beer green, but only if you put some recycling bins around your bar."
"That’s the spirit! Now you’re talking like a useless environmental regulation committee!"