"Previous to the execution of any official act of the President--" "WHAT THE? WHERE DID PHILADELPHIA GO? WHAT LAND IS THIS AND WHY IS “QUICKY MART” SPELLED SO ATROCIOUSLY?"
"Mr. Washington, you've been brought forward in time to the town of Springfield, in America." "It seems to happen to ex-Presidents a lot."
"Forward in time? How old is America?"
"Two hundred and forty-two years."
"You're kidding me, right? That's a joke? Because I told Jefferson I gave this country a decade. Tops." "He was all: “Liberty is mankind's natural state!” And I was “Yada yada yada... ten years, chump. Bank on it.” "Still, it's cool to be wrong! So, tell me about this town."
"Springfield is named after its founder, Jebediah Springfield." "You would've known him as 'Hans Sprungfeld' in your time."
"SPRUNGFELD?! THAT GUY HAS A TOWN NAMED AFTER HIM? Oh, man. Where is he?" "He's going to be picking wooden teeth out of his neck for a month."
"You know why America has a bicameral legislature, right?"
"Uh... because it's a good way to keep power from consolidating in one body?"
"Nope. Because when we were tossing around ideas for a new government-- just brain jamming, you know -- some idiot throws out the term “bicameral legislature.”" "And everybody just latches onto it." "You know that thing where everyone's trying to sound hip and smart by using the hot new term? So annoying!" "Every time I heard the words, I couldn't decide whether to fall asleep or kill myself." "Just totally nuts. I voted for the thing just to shut everyone up."
"This is incredible! Our scholars need to know this stuff. You've got to commit your memories to paper."
"Seriously, if I told you all the dirt I've got on John Adams, you'd flip your powdered wig. Dude was MESSED UP."
"I hope you're not finding modern-day America too strange, Mr. Washington."
"Nah." "It'll always be America, so long as people continue to live free, toss their excrement in the streets, and hate the British."
"Actually England is our closest ally now."
... "You want to repeat that, little lady?"
"Uh... we've had a lot of time to repair relations..."
“Repair relations”? With a country that is way more powerful than us?" "AND wants nothing more than to make us her colony again?"
"Well, first of all, our military is a lot bigger than theirs now."
"Then we should attack immediately, before they have time to raise conscripts!" "Unless, of course, you'd prefer to see musky-carrying redcoats on every street corner in the nation." "Summon my war council!"
"Okay, if our ships leave Boston tomorrow, we can reach England in two months." "We'll rendezvous with Hessian mercenaries -- little girl, remind me to write a letter to Hessia, get that ball rolling."
"Hessian mercenaries aren't the military force they once were..."
"We will then move inland and seize the royal saltpeter mines." "I'd like to see King George try to fight a war without saltpeter. Heh-heh-heh..." "With a combined force of 20,000 we will easily subdue all of England." "What do you think, Lisa Simpson? An elegant plan, no?"
"You really think 20,000 men armed with muskets will do any good against tanks and machine guns and missiles?"
"If we have enough horses, yes." "I also plan on doubling gin rations, to boost morale. A drunk army is an effective army." "All we need now is the men!"
"Okay, I've been traveling door-to-door all day, and so far I've got ZERO recruits for my Grand Army of the Brit-Hating Republic." "What's happened to the England-detesting nation of proud Limey-stranglers I love? Where's our fighting spirit?"
"Seriously. The English are our friends. Very nice people. Good music."
"And the most annoying thing?" "Everyone's just falling all over themselves to thank me: “You're the Father of Our Country!” “Thank you, George Washington!" "If you love me so much, get in the boat and help me stick a cannon ball in Big Ben."
"George Washington! Thank you for everything, sir." "Thank you for your wisdom, and your strength, and for being everything a man can be. I mean EVERYTHING!"
"Uh-huh. Look, that's very nice, but I'm just a guy. Happy to be of service. No need to go crazy, pal."
"George Washington! It's really him! The greatest real-life superhero of all!" "Thanks for being the best Founding Father a country could ask for! We love you!"
"Fine. That's very fine. Thank you. Go away."
"They're just trying to show their appreciation, sir."
"But they act like I'm some sort of saint. It's seriously creepy." "Did you know there are guys on the Supreme Court who think laws should be based on what me and my friends were thinking about more than two centuries ago?" "We didn't have electricity. And trust me -- most of the time when we were writing constitutions and laws, we were thinking about what to order for dinner." "I'm just a guy. And I'm really happy that America worked out so well. That rocks. But again, just a guy."
"Excuse me, Mr. Washington. I'm like your biggest fan ever, and--"
"I owned slaves. Did you know that? It stinks, but it's true. So please leave me alone."
"Well, you must have had a very good reason."
"THERE IS NO GOOD REASON FOR OWNING SLAVES. Augh! You people are beyond weird!"
"Okay, still think I'm perfect? Watch this. This'll prove I'm no saint. I'm going to cut down this cherry tree." "Then, when you ask me if I cut it down, I AM GOING TO LIE ABOUT IT. There! Still think I'm all that?"
"But, sir, everyone KNOWS George Washington can't tell a lie."
"WHAT GROWN MAN IS INCAPABLE OF LYING?! ARE YOU SERIOUS?! HERE, WATCH!"