Make the Simpsons Escape Grampa's Storytelling (x5)
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Christmas is Canceled Pt. 1[]
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Once there was an old billionaire who loved nothing but money, and thought Christmas was a humbug.
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Wait. Is this a take on “A Christmas Carol”?
Well, I’m going to update it. I’ll make Mr. Burns the lead, and have all the ghosts and side characters played by Springfield regulars.
Lisa, sweetie, if Daddy has to sit through one more adaptation of “A Christmas Carol”, Daddy will blow his brains all over the wall.
You don’t want that for Daddy, do you?
Not really, no.
Then let’s all agree, as a society, that “A Christmas Carol” is a lemon that’s been squeezed dry.
It’s given up everything it has to offer, and should be fed into the disposal and obliterated from memory.
Fine. I'll tell a different story.
Atta girl. And just a warning: at the mention of ghost one, or anything resembling a Tiny Tim, I run screaming from the room. ‘Kay? Great.
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Christmas is Canceled Pt. 2[]
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What a lovely, interesting, un-tedious story! Don’t you agree, Homer?
*banging on the TV* Work, damn you! Show me a show! I don’t care which one! Anything is better than this family sharing and caring!
Homer!
What? Oh, uh right. Loved your story, Lisa. Five stars. I laughed, I cried... I somehow got through it...
I’m afraid Dad is right, Lisa. Your story was objectively awful. Christmas may never recover.
Like you could do better?
Naturally. Because I know the three elements of a good story: action, violence, and mild cursing.
Gather round, chumps, as I spin a tale of such Christmas delight, you’ll throw Lisa out on the street and forget she ever existed.
Hmm. I hope it’s not THAT good.
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Christmas is Canceled Pt. 3[]
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Like all good Christmas tales, ours opens in a small town, whose citizens are about to be plunged into a nightmare of blood-soaked gore.
No gore!
Don’t censor the boy, Marge. I’m sure the gore isn’t gratuitous. I’ve never been so sure about anything.
No gore!
You really know how to hamstring an artist, Mom.
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Terrorists have taken over a building downtown. The only hope? A rogue cop with a bad attitude.
You're just ripping off “Die Hard”.
It’s a reboot. That’s what creative people do -- take an old movie, remake it, and say it’s been “reimagined for a new generation”.
My little man sounds just like J.J. Abrams!
As I was saying... how many rules does this cop play by? How does “zero” sound, friend?
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Christmas is Canceled Pt. 4[]
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*slow clap* Wow! What a story! I never could have predicted Officer Savage was a bad guy.
That’s my point. There was nothing prior to the big reveal to indicate, however subtly, that--
Face it, Lisa. The public loved my story. And the ignorant masses are never wrong about these things.
I don't know, that story was a little violent for me. There were so many car chases and explosions!
The bedrock of any great story is car chases and explosions. Aristotle said that.
What about a good romance? Everyone loves love.
The trick is to find the right amount of nudity. Brief enough that it doesn’t damage the children, but long enough that I give a damn.
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Christmas is Canceled Pt. 5[]
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Marge, you’ve been watching an awful lot of Hallmark Channel. Promise me this won’t be one of those boring, cookie-cutter holiday TV romances.
“Boring”? What’s boring about watching C-list actors falling slowly in love over a surprise-free, two-hour slog?
I could have phrased that better…
No, you’re right. Tell your story. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that marriage is a compromise.
If there’s a second thing I’ve learned, it’s how to retreat into an interior fantasy world whenever things get dull around here.
Awww, Homie.
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Christmas is Canceled Pt. 6[]
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Well, what did you all think of my story?
*wakes up with a start* Is it over? Thank the Lord.
*also waking* Bart! Show some respect for your mother’s riveting tale! Great story, Marge. Very suspenseful.
*also waking* *sucking noises*
Did anyone NOT sleep through it? Lisa?
*snoring*
All right, fine. Who thinks they can do better? Huh? Huh?
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Christmas is Canceled Pt. 7[]
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Everybody ready for MY story now? Then buckle up, ‘cause we are “go” for story, in three...two...one...
...
What am I doing? I clean forgot -- in order to make up stories, you need an imagination.
I killed mine at the age of eighteen. A thousand beers and -- BOOM! That sucker was dead and buried.
Rest in peace, my creativity!
*suck suck* *begins to draw a picture*
Look! Maggie's drawing something, I think SHE wants to tell a story!
It looks like her block train!
Ooh! That’s how we’ll do this: Maggie, YOU make up the story and your father will translate!
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Christmas is Canceled Pt. 8[]
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*ow* Marge, Maggie punched me!
*suck suck*
That’s what you get for ending another Christmas story with a Homer/Marge make-out fest.
...and remember folks -- the holidays is no time for moderation! Please drink Duff irresponsibly!
*screams* The TV is working again, oh thank goodness! Christmas is saved!
*unplugs TV* Not so fast! You didn't really think you'd sit around telling stories and leave out old Abe?!
Hold tight to your cocoa, ‘cause I've got a lulu for ya!
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...and that’s how Eugene McCarthy saved Santa’s Workshop from the creeping threat of elf socialism.
Of course, the foiled Reds weren’t about to just sit on their heels. Which is why they put together the greatest baseball team in history, the 1958 Albany Commie Spies, led by a young me.
Santa was fielding a pretty crackerjack squad himself. Mostly reindeer, but also the illegitimate half-elf son of Shoeless Joe Jackson.