Christmas Doesn't Suck Suck was a limited-time questline released on December 26, 2018. It was the main questline of Act 4 of the A Simpsons Christmas Special 2018 Event, progressing through it unlocked all of the event's personal prizes.

Quests[edit | edit source]

Quest Requirements Time Reward Triggered By
Christmas Doesn't Suck Suck Pt. 1 Make Marge Triple-Check the Oven is Turned Off
Make Maggie Draw a Picture for Santa
Collect Cookies (x100)
4h
4h
-
Cash100
Experience10
Auto
Christmas Doesn't Suck Suck Pt. 2 Make Marge Have a Mundane Christmas Wish
Make Maggie Draw a Picture of Her Christmas Wish
Collect Cookies (x350)
4h
4h
-
Cash100
Experience10
Auto
Christmas Doesn't Suck Suck Pt. 3 Build Pile of Presents (x3)
Make Marge Look for Santa
Make Maggie Resent Gerald
Collect Cookies (x350)
-
8h
8h
-
Cash100
Experience10
Auto
Christmas Doesn't Suck Suck Pt. 4 Make Marge Look for Baby Gerald
Make Maggie Help Look for Baby Gerald
Collect Cookies (x350)
4h
4h
-
Cash100
Experience10
Auto
Christmas Doesn't Suck Suck Pt. 5 Make Maggie Have a Baby Dance Battle
Make Gerald Have a Baby Dance Battle
Make Marge Watch a Baby Dance Battle
Collect Cookies (x350)
8h
8h
8h
-
Cash100
Experience10
Auto
Christmas Doesn't Suck Suck Pt. 6 Make Marge Drive the Greyhound Sleigh
Make Santa's Little Helper Lead the Greyhound Sleigh
12h
12h
Cash200
Experience20
Auto

Dialogue[edit | edit source]

Christmas Doesn't Suck Suck Pt. 1[edit | edit source]

Start[edit | edit source]

Character Dialogue
Homer Happy Icon.png Okay, so there was this really cool baby who liked playing with toy trains.
Maggie Annoyed Icon.png *suck suck*
Homer Cautious Icon.png Sorry, not “toy” trains -- real ones. In fact, she had just booked a ticket on the best train of all -- the North Pole Express!
Marge Happy Icon.png Maggie, are you excited to go visit Santa Claus?
Maggie Happy Icon.png *suck suck*
Marge Thoughtful Icon.png Ooh, good idea! I’ll bake fresh cookies to give to Santa.
Maggie Thumbsup Icon.png *suck suck*
Marge Annoyed Icon.png Yes. I’ll be sure to make CHRISTMAS cookies. Obviously.
Maggie Angry Icon.png *suck suck*
Marge Annoyed Icon.png Look, I know you’re nervous to meet Father Christmas. But you’re one year old. Get a grip.

End[edit | edit source]

Character Dialogue
Maggie Uparms Icon.png *suck suck*
Marge Surprised Icon.png You're right Maggie! Santa's train is here to pick us up.
Conductor Otto Happy Icon.png All aboard the Santa Express! Next stop, the South Pole!
Maggie Annoyed Icon.png *suck suck*
Conductor Otto Happy Icon.png Oh, right. Let me turn this thing around...

Christmas Doesn't Suck Suck Pt. 2[edit | edit source]

Start[edit | edit source]

Character Dialogue
Marge Icon.png So Otto, how long have you been the conductor of the Santa Express?
Conductor Otto Icon.png Oh, ever since they invented magic trains that run on Christmas wishes.
Conductor Otto Icon.png Which was in, like, 2011. Elon Musk has trouble focusing on one project at a time.
x100px *clunk* Whoops! The magic boiler needs more fuel. Do me a solid and tell it some of your Christmas wishes.
Maggie Happy Icon.png *suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck*
Conductor Otto Icon.png I don’t think the boiler speaks pacifier. I’m gonna need a translation, lady.

All Objectives Started[edit | edit source]

Character Dialogue
Maggie Happy Icon.png *suck suck*
Marge Icon.png Maggie says she’d like a new pacifier for Christmas.
Conductor Otto Sad Icon.png That’s depressingly practical, kid. Come on, think big. Seriously, or we’ll freeze to death out here.
Maggie Thumbsup Icon.png *suck suck*
Marge Happy Icon.png How about: “Christmas every day of the year and infinity presents”?
Conductor Otto Happy Icon.png Whoa! That did the trick! Yeah, we love when a kid asks for the impossible.
Conductor Otto Happy Icon.png “Always leave ‘em a little disappointed”, Santa says. He’s one sick puppy, Kris Kringle.

End[edit | edit source]

Character Dialogue

Christmas Doesn't Suck Suck Pt. 3[edit | edit source]

Start[edit | edit source]

Character Dialogue
Conductor Otto Happy Icon.png North Pole! Everybody get out!
Elf Bart Sad Icon.png Otto! Remember that baby you brought on your last run? Gerald? One big, weird eyebrow?
Maggie Surprised Icon.png *suck suck*
Elf Bart Sad Icon.png He stole Santa’s sleigh, with all the presents!
Elf Lisa Sad Icon.png Jolly Old Saint Nick freaked, crawled into a bowl of ‘nog, and ran off crying into the snow!
Conductor Otto Icon.png In this cold, it’s probably best to just accept that he’s dead. Well, Christmas was fun while it lasted, gang!
Maggie Determined Icon.png *suck suck*
Marge Serious Icon.png Maggie says we can’t give up! So what if Santa gets hypothermia and loses a few fingers and toes...?
Maggie Determined Icon.png *suck suck*
Marge Sad Icon.png ...and, yes, probably his nose, too. We can still save him!

End[edit | edit source]

Character Dialogue
Marge Surprised Icon.png Over here! I think we found him!
x100px More ‘nog. Just want eggy oblivion...
Marge Sad Icon.png Don’t give up, Santa! The world loves you!
Santa Homer Icon.png *notices Marge, instantly sobers* Whoa! Happy Christmas, gorgeous. We don’t see many naughty girls up here.
Maggie Annoyed Icon.png *suck suck*
Marge Nervous Icon.png She doesn’t like that you’re hitting on her mother, Sir.
Santa Homer Icon.png Hey, what Mrs. Claus don’t know won’t kill her. Aw, crap! Cheese it, she’s here!
Mrs. Claus Annoyed Icon.png Santa, there you are!

Christmas Doesn't Suck Suck Pt. 4[edit | edit source]

Start[edit | edit source]

Character Dialogue
Bart Curious Icon.png Mom? Dad? How come in both your stories, you’re with other people?
Homer Thoughtful Icon.png I guess that IS pretty dark for a Christmas update. Best not to think about it.
Homer Cautious Icon.png Probably means nothing. Or, something huge. No way to know, really. Anyhoo...
Mrs. Claus Icon.png Come on, Santa. Let’s get you back home.
Marge Surprised Icon.png What about the stolen presents, Santa? Don’t you want your sleigh back?
Elf Lisa Tired Icon.png Just let the big guy sleep it off. We can push Christmas a few days, right?
Elf Bart Tired Icon.png I think Canada celebrates Christmas on February 6th or something. We’ll do it then.
Maggie Angry Icon.png *suck suck*
Marge Serious Icon.png You’re right, Maggie. I won’t let America get dragged down to Canada’s level, either. Let’s save American Christmas!

End[edit | edit source]

Character Dialogue
Marge Surprised Icon.png Look Maggie, up ahead there's a creepy castle made of toys. That could be Baby Gerald’s evil lair.
Maggie Pointing Icon.png *suck suck*
Marge Nervous Icon.png Geez, I don’t think we have to get quite THAT violent with him. Take it easy, kiddo.

Christmas Doesn't Suck Suck Pt. 5[edit | edit source]

Start[edit | edit source]

Character Dialogue
Marge Serious Icon.png Gerald! The jig is up! Fork over the sleigh and no one gets hurt!
Baby Gerald Surprised Icon.png *ominous glare*
Marge Nervous Icon.png Easy, Gerald. It’s not too late to get back on the Nice List. Just put down the toy gun and let’s talk.
Baby Gerald Annoyed Icon.png *ominous glare*
Maggie Angry Icon.png *suck suck*
Baby Gerald Surprised Icon.png *ominous glare*
Maggie Monkeydance Icon.png *suck suck*
Marge Nervous Icon.png I was praying it wouldn’t come to this...
Marge Scared Icon.png BABY DANCE BATTLE!

End[edit | edit source]

Character Dialogue
Baby Gerald Sad Icon.png *exhausted glare*
Maggie Thumbsup Icon.png *suck suck*
Marge Confused Icon.png Okay, seriously, who won? I mean, you both just danced like babies for a while. It’s hard to tell.
Baby Gerald Annoyed Icon.png *cries*
Marge Happy Icon.png Way to go, Maggie!
Marge Angry Icon.png Into the sleigh, Bad Baby Gerald! We’re sending you home!

Christmas Doesn't Suck Suck Pt. 6[edit | edit source]

Start[edit | edit source]

Character Dialogue
Marge Happy Icon.png I always thought it was reindeer that pulled Santa’s sleigh, but these greyhounds are pretty cute.
Maggie Happy Icon.png *suck suck*
Marge Thoughtful Icon.png Yes, it certainly was sweet of you to work Santa’s Little Helper into the story.
Marge Happy Icon.png That’s great fan service, Maggie!

End[edit | edit source]

Character Dialogue
Marge Thoughtful Icon.png Your sleigh’s all packed and ready to go, Santa!
x100px Not in my current condition. I could run over some kid, and the laws against drunk sleighing are WAY draconian now.
x100px You must deliver the presents, Marge. And when you get back, why not stay a while?
Marge Surprised Icon.png What about Mrs. Claus?
Santa Homer Sad Icon.png She went out for candy canes and hasn’t come back. I think she met another immortal fatso.
Marge Sad Icon.png Oh, you poor man!
x100px So what do you say? I could make you very jolly...
Marge Wink Icon.png *girlish giggle*
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