Dagnabbit! I'm looking at the sales figures for Toothless Joe Gum, and they're pathetic!
Well, we don't have as many kids in town as we used to.
I guess I'll have to find a new market.
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Hey, friend. You know, chewing gum is a great way to give up smoking!
Why would I want to give up smoking?
Why, because it's bad for you!
It's literally the only thing I have in my life.
Okay, but...
I am totally devoid of other interests. Take smoking away, and I cease to exist.
Uh...........
Yeah, that shut you up, didn't it?
Chew It Over Pt. 2[]
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Well I don't think smokers are interested in gum.
Maybe I should focus on increasing impulse buys at checkout...
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Wouldn't a case of Toothless Joe Gum look dandy on your counter?
Moms see our motto -- “It's the Sugary-est!” -- and they can't say no.
They trust that our gum is “Sugar to the Power of Tooth Decay.” Like it says on the package!
High sugar content is the point-of-purchase kiss of death.
Why use sugar, when there are so many sweet-tasting carcinogenic substitutes?
But without sugar, how will we eliminate unwanted teeth? We'll be going to dentists well into our thirties!
Chew It Over Pt. 3[]
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Why has the modern consumer forsaken my gum?
No one eats candy by itself anymore. It's an INGREDIENT.
It goes INTO other things. As either a smoosh-, mix- or cram-in.
We used to think that ice cream on its own tasted good. Now we know it's disgusting...
...UNLESS, it has gummy worms, candy corn and jawbreakers floating in it.
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You seem like a savvy business clown. How about putting some of my gum in your Ultimate All-American Krusty Shake?
It's already GOT gum in it! Nicotine gum, so kids can't stop coming back.
Until your gum has 4mg of highly-addictive nicotine in it, quit wasting my time!
Chew It Over Pt. 4[]
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I know where I can put my sticks of dry, weirdly-powdery gum! In packs of baseball cards!
What are baseball cards?
Heh-heh. Something all boys love.
Come to think of it, what's baseball?
A nine-inning contest where a “batter” tries, but usually fails, to hit a ball.
Sounds boring.
It is. That's why you need free gum in the packs of cards!
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I'm sorry, but people only buy baseball cards today as an investment.
And by “people” I mean grown men of a certain skin pallor and waist size.
You mean, fellas like you?
I would be a real catch in the baseball card crowd.
Not a pretty picture.
Chew It Over Pt. 5[]
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It looks like this is the end for Toothless Joe Gum.
I'll just enjoy one more piece before I turn the page. Heck, let's make it a mission.
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You there! Gum merchant! How many boxes can you sell me?
Uh... what do you need ‘em for?
Let's imagine there's a power plant. And in this power plant there's a hole -- a very large hole -- through which radioactive what-have-you is gushing.
Could millions of pieces of your gum be used to plug said hole?
Well heck yes they could!
Then make it quick. My employees are assembled and ready to begin chewing.