A Perfectly Cromulent Job is the main quest of level 39.


Quest Requirements Triggered By Time
A Perfectly Cromulent Job Pt. 1 Build Sanjay's House Dolph 24h
A Perfectly Cromulent Job Pt. 2 Make Sanjay and Apu Heartily Celebrate Sanjay's Return Sanjay 45s
A Perfectly Cromulent Job Pt. 3 Make Sanjay and Apu Negotiate an Employment Contract Sanjay 5h
A Perfectly Cromulent Job Pt. 4 Make Sanjay Work a 16 Hour Shift Sanjay 16h
A Perfectly Cromulent Job Pt. 5 Make Sanjay Drink with Homer Sanjay 8h
A Perfectly Cromulent Job Pt. 6 Make Apu Fume
Make Sanjay Sulk
Sanjay 16h
A Perfectly Cromulent Job Pt. 7 Make Sanjay Party Like It's on Sale for $19.99 Sanjay 4h
A Perfectly Cromulent Job Pt. 8 Make Sanjay Skateboard Sanjay 12h
A Perfectly Cromulent Job Pt. 9 Make Apu Work a 48hr Shift Apu 2d
A Perfectly Cromulent Job Pt. 10 Make Smithers and Mr. Burns Shop 'Till You Drop Mr. Burns 3h
A Perfectly Cromulent Job Pt. 11 Make Citizens Shop 'Till You Drop (x15) Apu 3h
A Perfectly Cromulent Job Pt. 12 Make Apu Pray to Ganesh Apu 45s
A Perfectly Cromulent Job Pt. 13 Make Citizens Shop 'Till You Drop (x10) Apu 3h
A Perfectly Cromulent Job Pt. 14 Make Apu Recuperate in the Hospital Apu 2d
A Perfectly Cromulent Job Pt. 15 Make Apu and Sanjay Reconcile Apu 2h
A Perfectly Cromulent Job Pt. 16 Make Sanjay Work a 1 Hour Shift Sanjay 60m


A Perfectly Cromulent Job Pt. 1Edit

Character Dialogue
Dolph Icon "Stealing from the Kwik-E-Mart isn't as easy as it used to be. They now have electronic tags on the electronic tags."
Nelson Icon "It might be the years and years of stealing, but Apu just doesn't trust us like he used to."
Dolph Icon "Wasn't there another clerk at the Kwik-E-Mart? Kind of a younger, hipper, nicer, richer, more handsome version of Apu?"
Apu Icon "I'm standing right here!"
Nelson Icon "I remember him! Sanjay! He used to offer a Kwik-E-Mart delivery service for single mothers."
Dolph Icon "I think that was only your mom..."

A Perfectly Cromulent Job Pt. 2Edit


Character Dialogue
Apu Icon "Is that you Sanjay? Praise Ganesh! I thought I'd never see your handsome face again!"
Sanjay Icon "Oh Apu! My dear brother..."
Apu Icon "You know Sanjay, you're nearly two years overdue for your shift at the Kwik-E-Mart."
Sanjay Icon "I've only just arrived. Come have a drink with me to celebrate my reincarnation!"
Apu Icon "One drink. I'd make it two if you'd reincarnated into something more impressive - like a cow."


Character Dialogue
Apu Icon "What an amazing 45 seconds! Now I need to get back to the Kwik-E-Mart."
"Since I can’t lock up the place, I have to leave a cardboard cut-out of me in charge."
"And that cardboard cut-out gives way too many discounts for dented cans. It’s ruining my business!"

A Perfectly Cromulent Job Pt. 3Edit

Character Dialogue
Sanjay Icon "Apu, you can’t keep running the Kwik-E-Mart all by yourself without any help."
Apu Icon "The octuplets were a great help until they unionized."
"I’ve thought about hiring an employee, but could not imagine one of the local buffoons running the place."
Homer Icon "Help! Someone! Anyone! A raccoon ran away with my belt and I can’t chase it because my pants keep falling down!"
Apu Icon *sigh*
Sanjay Icon "While they might be idiots, they do seem to have perfect timing when you want to emphasize a point."
Apu Icon "There is, however, one person I could trust to work for me."

A Perfectly Cromulent Job Pt. 4Edit


Character Dialogue
Sanjay Icon "Alright Apu. I’ll accept your less than generous offer of employment… only in exchange for working a reasonable schedule."
Apu Icon "You have my word Sanjay, I will do my best to keep all your shifts under 12 hours in length."


Character Dialogue
Sanjay Icon "All work and no play makes Sanjay a dull boy. All work and no play makes Sanjay a dull boy."
"Aughh! Aisle four is a river of blood!"
"Oh wait, it’s just cherry flavored Squishee. The machine must be broken again. This job is really driving me crazy."
Hans Moleman Icon "Help me! I can’t swim AND I have type II diabetes."
Sanjay Icon "I’m sorry, sir. But company policy clearly states that you must purchase something before I can save your life."

A Perfectly Cromulent Job Pt. 5Edit


Character Dialogue
Sanjay Icon "One day of work and I already hate my job."
Homer Icon "Tell me about it. I skipped work today and it’s still all I hear about."
"Nuclear meltdown on the radio, on the TV, from a guy in a hazmat suit in my living room. Yeesh."
Sanjay Icon "Apu promised it would be different this time, but the only thing different is that it is a little worse."
Homer Icon "This is America, Sanjay. Employers lie to employees, and employees take their revenge by getting drunk."
"And by sometimes giving their friends free hot dogs."

Jobs StartedEdit

Character Dialogue
Apu Icon *GASP* "My store is without a clerk! Not even a cardboard one!"
"Oh I cannot believe it! A mere 16 hours into his first 12 hour shift and Sanjay is already slacking off!"
"Doesn't he realize that the American Dream applies to business owners, not their employees?"
"Just wait until I find you, Sanjay! You'll get a talking-to that will sting for a lifetime‚ and two more lifetimes after that."
"But where could he be? I'll check his usual haunts – the Kwik-E-Mart and India."
"I really don’t know my brother very well."


Character Dialogue
Apu Icon "There you are Sanjay! I’ve finally found you, you lazy goat of a man!"
Homer Icon "Well since I had absolutely *hic* nothing to do with this, I must be going"
Apu Icon "How dare you leave my store unattended! The magazines have all been read, and the “take a penny leave a penny” jar is practically empty!"
"This is as irresponsible as that time you ran off to become a sitar player."
Sanjay Icon "I was the second best sitar player in the world! It just turns out that the world needed only ONE sitar player."
Apu Icon "Well maybe I should offer the Kwik-E-Mart job to Ravi Shankar."
Sanjay Icon "Joke’s on you, he’s dead! Not to mention he was a known pickpocket."

A Perfectly Cromulent Job Pt. 6Edit

Character Dialogue
Sanjay Icon "I’m about to say something a Nahasapeemapetilon has never said – I quit!"
Apu Icon "I’m about to say something a Nahasapeemapetilon has said many times – you’re fired!"
"Turn in your keys, your gun, and your “Employee of the Month” mug."
Sanjay Icon "What are you going to do with that?"
Apu Icon "Probably get up on the roof and shoot at looters."
Sanjay Icon "No, I meant the mug."
Apu Icon "Target practice for shooting looters."
Sanjay Icon "That’s how you treat the best employee you've ever had?"
Apu Icon "Oh, I would never be that mean to the cardboard cut-out."
Sanjay Icon "Your heart is as cold as your defective Red Hots. I have no brother."
Apu Icon "Then I will say goodbye to you as coldly as I do my customers…"
"Thank you, come again!"

A Perfectly Cromulent Job Pt. 7Edit


Character Dialogue
Sanjay Icon "As the ancient saying goes: "Please buy more ancient saying cards for more ancient sayings."
"Argh! I hate the Kwik-E-Mart. Apu has cheated me out of decent pay, reasonable hours, and now pre-packaged spirituality!"
"At least I still have my dignity, which I can party away on my own time.


Character Dialogue
Bart Icon "What’s wrong Sanjay? Are you being attacked by bees?"
Sanjay Icon "No, I’m dancing!"
Bart Icon "I feel like those moves would look better if a thousand other Indians were doing them simultaneously."
Sanjay Icon "A thousand dancers? I wish! But this is my life, not the set of an ultra-low budget Bollywood film. I dance to express myself."
"How do you express yourself?"
"Paint a picture? Practice the ancient art of origami towel folding?"
Bart Icon "Mostly I just cause millions of dollars worth of property damage…"

A Perfectly Cromulent Job Pt. 8Edit


Character Dialogue
Sanjay Icon "This is the new me! I’m seizing the now! Doing things I’ve always wanted to do."
"For example, I’ve always wanted to ride a skateboard."
Bart Icon "No such luck, dude. This skateboard’s mine. See, my name is written on it."
"Mart Crimpton? I learned nothing at Krusty’s Kalligraphy Kamp."
Sanjay Icon "I’ve also always wanted to steal from a child."
Bart Icon "Alright alright, you can borrow it."
Sanjay Icon "I’m sure the Gods will someday reward your kindness."
Bart Icon "I would prefer they reward me right now. With cash. From your wallet."
Sanjay Icon "Got to go!"


Character Dialogue
Sanjay Icon "What fun!"
"It’s like driving! Only one tenth the speed and twelve times the effort."

A Perfectly Cromulent Job Pt. 9Edit

Character Dialogue
Apu Icon "I thought I had finally found someone to help run the Kwik-E-Mart, but it turns out I can’t even rely on my own family."
Homer Icon "Preaching to the choir."
"Maggie never shares her bottle. Marge refuses to let me eat in bed. And Liza is always claiming that I’m forgetting her name."
Apu Icon "You mean Lisa?"
Homer Icon "Don’t get me started on Lisa. With her crazy ideas about global warming and her refusal to eat meat."
Apu Icon "I, too, am a vegetarian."
Homer Icon "Hahaha. No meat. Hahaha…"
"Thank you, Apu. It’s good to laugh again."
"You really solved my problem."
Apu Icon "But we were talking about my problem! Ugh, never mind."

A Perfectly Cromulent Job Pt. 10Edit


Character Dialogue
Mr. Burns Icon "Smithers!! Start cranking the automobile. We’re headed out on the town for a day of high-jinks, tomfoolery, and, time permitting, japery."
Smithers Icon "Of course, Mr. Burns. Shall I pack the picnic basket and your promenading pants?"
Mr. Burns Icon "There will be no promenading where we’re going: the local Kwik-E-Mart."
Smithers Icon "But that’s where the common man shops, sir. Men who didn’t meet Teddy Roosevelt."
Mr. Burns Icon "I didn't just meet him, I tried to kill him and stuff him!"
"Now do as I say or I’ll stuff you too!"
Smithers Icon "Yes, sir!"
Mr. Burns Icon "And don’t forget that coupon insert – no sense wasting pennies, especially while I’m saving up for that penny wasting machine."
Smithers Icon "These discounts do seem too good to be true. Perhaps I’ll even pick up a few items."
Mr. Burns Icon "You shop on your own time."


Character Dialogue
Apu Icon "Mr. Burns sure wiped me out. I can’t believe Kwik-E-Mart corporate let such a promotion slide."
"It’s like the Buy None Get One Free fiasco all over again."

A Perfectly Cromulent Job Pt. 11Edit

Character Dialogue
Apu Icon "Now let’s just hope that no one else sees that deal. Who am I kidding – no one in Springfield reads the newspaper."
Brockman Icon "This just in – nobody reads about stunning Kwik-E-Mart promotion. Coming up – are your cats TOO cute?"
Apu Icon "Why does it sound like an overweight horde is headed my way?"

A Perfectly Cromulent Job Pt. 12Edit

Character Dialogue
Apu Icon "I’d rather face a swarm of locusts than these deal-hungry demons."
"At least the locusts wouldn’t try to pay in nickels and socks full of buttons."
Cletus Icon "Those buttons be legal tender."

A Perfectly Cromulent Job Pt. 13Edit


Character Dialogue
Apu Icon "These coupons will be the death of me. I’ve been forced to sell products at their actual suggested retail price!"
"Passing these savings off to my loyal customers feels downright un-American."


Character Dialogue
Apu Icon "Thank you, never come again!"

A Perfectly Cromulent Job Pt. 14Edit

Character Dialogue
Apu Icon "Empty shelves AND an empty cash register. I feel like I've been robbed."
Snake Icon "Hands up – this is a robbery!"
Apu Icon "But I have nothing left to give."
Snake Icon "Those are some good-looking pants…"
Apu Icon *ACK!* *HURR!* *ARGH!* AIEEE! *Faint*

A Perfectly Cromulent Job Pt. 15Edit


Character Dialogue
Apu Icon "So this is what relaxation feels like – my back doesn't hurt, my feet fit in my shoes, my stomach lining has returned."
Herman Icon "You’re currently staying in our Exhaustion Wing, which is usually occupied by our celebrity patients."
Krusty Icon "I’d like my regular room and an IV please. I’ll be here until the bad press from those Nazi Mr. Teeny photos dies down."
Apu Icon "All this for me?"
Herman Icon "We treated you to the VIP package of exhaustion care, no expense was spared."
"Until we realized that your insurance only covers polio braces and Lamaze classes."
"At which point every expense was spared… until your brother stepped in and paid all your bills."
Apu Icon "Sanjay?!" *gasp* "I can’t believe he would pay all my bills after I fired him from the Kwik-E-Mart."
Herman Icon "Hmmm‚ disbelief is a common symptom of exhaustion. Let’s call up your brother and see if he’ll pay for more tests."
Apu Icon "I must make things right with my brother."


Character Dialogue
Apu Icon "Sanjay, I have been a fool and am here to ask for your forgiveness."
"I called you lazy, unreliable, and overweight, and I paid the ultimate price. I was punished by doing that which I love most: work."
Sanjay Icon "You never called me overweight."
Apu Icon "May you also find it in your heart to forgive me for talking behind your back. Your wide, expansive back."
Sanjay Icon "Wouldn't this apology be better with an offer of, oh, I don’t know, a job?"
Apu Icon "Of course! Please come back to work for me! I’ll give you anything."
Sanjay Icon "Anything?"
Apu Icon "Except decent pay, reasonable hours, vacation time, or benefits. But you can have all the mop water you want!"
Sanjay Icon "I accept! But only because your medical bills bankrupted me and I’m desperate.

A Perfectly Cromulent Job Pt. 16Edit

Character Dialogue
Sanjay Icon "It is good to be back Apu!"
Apu Icon "Do you really mean it?"
Sanjay Icon "Not at all."
Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.