Mayor Quimby, as a concerned citizen, I worry that the recent mob attack on my husband, while hilarious, is an indication that crime is on the rise.
Fine. We'll build a jail.
More jails won't solve anything. We should address the root cause of the problem. This gold rush is--
A new jail is easier.
Yes, but--
Americans love jails, lady. Even more than they love Peyton Manning eating crappy delivery pizza while humming that awful insurance jingle.
Enough talk! I wanna see Springfielders building a jail at the Town Plaza or I’m canceling this whole gold rush event.
A Fistful of Bothers Pt. 2[]
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Character
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Having a jail next to the saloon sure is great. This'll make getting dragged to the drunk tank a breeze!
Gotta love that new jail smell.
And playing Wild West sheriff is a blast! *SLAM* Aw, dang it. Just locked myself in the cell.
You hear that, criminals? This is our chance to show Springfield what frontier life was really like!
All Objectives Started[]
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Dialogue
The police are locked behind bars. We can do anything we like!
I can drive 100 MPH in a school zone, like God intended!
I can openly funnel nuclear secrets to my North Korean handlers!
I can announce particle physics discoveries that have been confirmed at only four-sigma certainty!
...
You see, the normal requirement is five sigma, not four, so.... Look, you wouldn't beat up an adult, would you?
...
I suppose you would.
End[]
Character
Dialogue
I'm out! I escaped! What did I miss?
An uninterrupted reign of lawlessness and terror.
I meant, what did I miss on TV? I'm still kind of a watch-it-live guy. Don't really care for DVRs.
You really are a disgrace, you know.
I ENJOY THE COMMUNAL ASPECT OF WATCHING TELEVISION WHEN IT AIRS THE FIRST TIME, OKAY?
Oh, you mean a disgrace to law enforcement. Yeah, I pretty much am.
The Reviled Bunch[]
Character
Dialogue
Time to step up our criminal game, law-breakers.
Do your worst, Snake! Lou will face down anyone you throw at us!
These are dangerous individuals, Chief. I could use a little help.
Lou, if I wanted excuses I would've assigned it to myself. Now take him down!
“
Most Wanted bandits have joined the outlaw ranks! Capture them daily for bonus resources!
”
— System Message.
A Fistful of Bothers Pt. 3[]
Start[]
Character
Dialogue
Hey, Homer. Milhouse wants to set up a play date.
I'm not sure Bart's free. Come to think of it, I'm not even sure where he is....
College! I think I remember something about Bart going to college. Try there.
No, uh, Milhouse wants to play with YOU. Don't you, Milhouse?
No I don't! This is weird!
Sure you do! You'll have a blast, Homer. Milhouse will bring a hoverboard and a case of Duff.
What will the neighbors think about a grown man who spends his time with other people's children? Besides “what a great guy,” I mean.
All right, send the little dweeb over.
All Objectives Started[]
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Another beer, Mr. Simpson? Perhaps a spin on my Chinese-made, discount hoverboard?
Are you trying to get me drunk so I'll fall off your hoverboard and be knocked unconscious?
That's pretty suspicious of you.
I'm sorry. I think crazy thoughts when I'm sober. Beer me, playmate.
End[]
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Dad! Mr. Van Houten clearly sent Milhouse here to drunken you with beer so they could search our house for gold.
Iz tha so? Well, it din't work! *SNORES* ... *SNORES*
I'm very disappointed, Milhouse. And to think I'm actually married to you in several episodes set in the future.
A Fistful of Bothers Pt. 4[]
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Dialogue
What's up dude?
Hey, Snake. You and your outlaw gang get a bad rap. The way I see it, you're a prankster, just like me!
It's all in good fun, right? So how can I help?
We're just about to start planning our next hilarious prank. Sit in, little buddy!
All Objectives Started[]
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Attention fellow outlaws. Someone out there has the gold. So what we're gonna do is...
Kidnap Springfield's children at gunpoint and hold them for ransom. If the sheriff gets involved, we dynamite the jailhouse and shoot our way out of town.
Ay carumba!
A Fistful of Bothers Pt. 5[]
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Dialogue
Hey everyone! Snake and his gang are planning to kidnap all the kids as ransom! We've got to stop him!
Oh, come on. Kidnapping kids is a logistical nightmare. It's not a viable crime model. As a respected desperado, Snake would know that.
Now hush. Gummy Joe is spinning yarns of Wild West life. Fascinating stuff!
...then Black Pete decided the only way he'd get his hands on that gold was to kidnap every kid in the town of Devil's Vomit Gulch and hold ‘em for ransom.
“Devil's Vomit Gulch.” I wish this town had a cool name like that.
And the kidnapping plan worked to perfection. As kidnapping always does.
A Fistful of Bothers Pt. 6[]
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Dialogue
It looks like I'll have to deal with Snake myself.
I shall become... the Kid With No Name.
Hey, Sheriff Wiggum! I just saw a donut roll into that jail cell.
A donut, you say? Better saddle up, strap on my six-shooters and mosey on over-- *SLAM* And, I just locked myself in the cell again.
Sorry, Sheriff. But I can't have the law getting in my way. The Kid With No Name fights alone.
Hey, there really is a donut in here! I'm not going to get shot, and also I have a donut. Pretty good. Pret-ty good.