"Hey, what's going on? How come I can read me saying, “Hey, what's going on?”
"I can read what you said too, Homer." "And I can read what I'm saying right now! That means, youz alls can read my speak-a-ma-goos." "If a bartender can't curse out patrons under his breath, his mind will snap like a twig."
"Don't be afraid." "I've just hacked the code of our universe - which is definitely a real thing - to show all of you exactly what you say."
"Exactly!" "Abstract guttural noises. Nonsense phrases doubling as slang. Strained pop culture references." "Now do you see how much pointless speech fills your lives?!"
"I've always known that. But you don't see me being a jerk about it."
"Self-awareness may be painful, but it's also an opportunity to grow." "Having to see and read what we say will force us to confront how we treat each other. This will spur us on to improve ourselves."
"I'm not sure Springfield has enough room for these yap yap bubbles. The town's borders are, ahm, a tad inflexible." "And now that you know I know, please stop sending me comments about it."
"Oh, just tap on what's said and you can send it away—"
"Tap!" "Ooooooo!" "Now how do I get rid of the “Ooooooo”?" "Uh… what's it that I gotta do again?"
"How come everyone is making even less sense than usual?"
"Exhausted by having to constantly reflect on their words, most have sought refuge in the incoherency of alcohol."
"Lisa, I'm not sure you're any more central than you were before, if you still only say exposition."
"Yeah, well now I say a lot more of it. So there."
"If what you say is true, no one can claim they're too busy to spend quality time with me." "Who wants to play a board game where we compete to determine price earnings ratio for the 15th century Hanseatic League?"
"I'm afraid that answer will undoubtedly be no one."
"Except me, of course, but only if I get to be Lübeck. Love me some Lübeck."
"Don't you get it?" "You can't get people to want to quote unquote ‘hang' with you by making the rest of their lives worse."
"But how they now experience the world is how I do all the time!"
"SHUUUUUUUHB?!" "Ugh, did I just say “SHUUUUUUUHB?!”? I'm becoming more like my father every day."
"I'm very well aware that everything I do, even the very sound of my voice, is a nerd cliché." "It's like I was designed by a team of self-loathing losers as an effigy of all the things they hated about themselves as kids." "As if they could expunge their pasts by watching me be burned in flames of youthful humiliation." "Ugh, who says such things? I can't take being exposed to such thoughts any longer." "It's time I joined these drooling, oblivious morlocks."
"No, you can't!" "Primo, you're underage. Secunda, your brain is a gift."
"Database, you've shown your intelligence has the power to change the world." "You just need to learn how to harness that ability to improve the lives of others."
"Or at least entertain them at a moderately successful rate. Like 63%." "Maybe 42% after you've built up enough good will."
"I, for one, would be glad to join you on your journey toward fulfillment. If you would have me, Superfriend."
"To begin such a journey, I recommend following a spiritual practice to gain control over your emotions." "You never hear of the Dalai Lama getting in a bar fight, do you?"